tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81094423239946751542023-11-16T04:07:24.011-08:00Gusset ReviewsGusset News' film and culture reviews by Essex-born slappa and alcoholic Barbarella FoxGusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-3131280981546877302011-06-28T07:36:00.000-07:002011-06-28T07:36:58.207-07:00Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzyzHLjYv3jdhH21IWNNCWddevNobf-of_hXY6oy_nTL-exm97mK_jibeFnLt09xMbKmtSn70bZerjZ0xEEMrrm2zWHr7qYkdLsy9A4OsFySpPvASQIhDTDrxoFsa6_MFEsS6pGapehmy9/s1600/edinburghchips.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzyzHLjYv3jdhH21IWNNCWddevNobf-of_hXY6oy_nTL-exm97mK_jibeFnLt09xMbKmtSn70bZerjZ0xEEMrrm2zWHr7qYkdLsy9A4OsFySpPvASQIhDTDrxoFsa6_MFEsS6pGapehmy9/s320/edinburghchips.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><style>
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<div class="MsoNormal">It’s pissing down with rain, there’s no fruit/veg section in the local Sainsburys and I just saw a tramp having a shit outside Poundstretcher – It can only mean ONE THING – </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">the <b>Edinburgh International Film Festival!</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I missed this year’s opening party coz I had to have another abortion but I’m ere now, and wont be using Tesco Basic condoms again. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">First things first – GOODY BAGS! And I’m not talking about Jade’s colostomy variety. Mine had a notepad, some bubblegum and a Moulinex blender incrusted with Sworszi crystals personally hand-signed by Ross Kemp. Get in! </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Now the serious stuff...</div><div class="MsoNormal"> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"> </div><div class="MsoNormal"> <style>
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</style> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>The Caller (UK)</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><br />
</b></div><div class="MsoNormal">Excellent psychological thriller/horror with a pretty ginger bird from ‘Twilight’. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So yeah this one is about some girl who moves into a flat and some creepy old hag keeps harassing her on the phone. Only some weird supernatural things start happening innit. The special effects were mega good and it was proper creepy like. Barbarella recommends you go see this one.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Highs: Really creepy bit near the end.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Lows: My feet were wet all the way through from the cunting rain.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><b>Weekender (UK)</b></div><div class="MsoNormal">Some chavs from Manchester put on a rave and it turns out good so then do it again but things turn out nasty… is basically the major plot in this new British comedy from director Karl Golden. It’s a bit like Kevin and Perry Go Large mixed with 24-Hour Party People so if that’s your packet of Wotsits you’re laughing.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">A stunning performance by the lovely Tom Meeten who played the stonehead DJ Captain Acid. It made me want to rave like it was 1990. Manumission! </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Highs: Jolly entertaining and fun.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Lows: there were no drugs at the after party!</div><br />
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</div>Gusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-78368966907754165432011-06-28T07:31:00.000-07:002011-06-28T07:31:14.173-07:00Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 2<style>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3w53ZbtJUh1UWATsNNvIVxyA8FPwJ9bv_drKrOFYOENsEBaE28qngQxEDLnT7uVNlcw7VrA3JAoL5tERZcEhq-3bpBdJsBybu7Jzl7ESkthlBGLbzNKJYtI8_MvKgBvJfH6McThevrYIE/s1600/ross+kemp+naked+hairy+bum+crack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3w53ZbtJUh1UWATsNNvIVxyA8FPwJ9bv_drKrOFYOENsEBaE28qngQxEDLnT7uVNlcw7VrA3JAoL5tERZcEhq-3bpBdJsBybu7Jzl7ESkthlBGLbzNKJYtI8_MvKgBvJfH6McThevrYIE/s320/ross+kemp+naked+hairy+bum+crack.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> Ross Kemp wasn't in this film but he should've been</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"> <b><br />
</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>Rabies (Israel)</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><br />
</b></div><div class="MsoNormal">Right. Imagine the most vile and really stupidest fucktard you can think of and multiply by six and here you have a horror film about a bunch of unlikable mongheads who venture off into the woods that are filled with traps and mines. It turns out that the traps have been laid down by the local psychopath, bless him, only the psychopath seems like a nice dude compared to the supposed normal folk who end up bludgeoning each other to death with whatever they can find.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It does have a few jump out your chair moments so if you have an aging relative you’d like to kill off I highly recommend bringing them along.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Highs: A nasty cop gets what he deserved</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Lows: It didn’t have Ross Kemp in it.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</style> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>Elite Squad – The Enemy Within (Brazil)</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><br />
</b></div><div class="MsoNormal">Thriller about a bunch of really naughty Brazilian cops. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This was another one of them foreign films so it was proper annoying to read all them subtitles plus I’m a slow reader so I missed quite a bit of it. It was like a Bruce Willis film but with lots of unknown actors in it. I liked it a lot though yeah and it got quite brutal at times which is well cool. This is a sequel though and I never saw the first one but it didn’t seem to matter.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Highs: Genuinely didn’t know what was gonna happen unlike most thrillers n that.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Lows: Subtitles really get my goat</div> Gusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-73074388585333526622011-06-28T07:22:00.000-07:002011-06-28T07:22:20.856-07:00Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 3<style>
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<div class="MsoNormal"><b>Albatross (UK)</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><br />
</b></div><div class="MsoNormal">This is like defo the best film of the fest, yeah, so be sure to check it out otherwise you’re a proper loser and your Mum eats out of bins.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This lovely British coming of age comedy stars the gorgeous Jessica Brown Findlay whose enigmatic performance reminded me of the talented Emily Lloyd in Wish You Were Here. Excellent performances and an inspiring script provide laughter and tears all the way. Even the small characters had well-written parts.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Highs: Favourite new insult to use it on your friends and family: “You Fuck Trumpet!”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Lows: Envy of Brown Findlay’s gorgeous body, though she needs some fake tan.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgysAMV6QZ9bfo6Edzwb2p-1NnVgh7vP1dupNBSUdih8WfP_wb63yoiL_sPPsC_BoS_5aDiYxVTrVpJk_TAzV2I_moTtd667Xg7BpOCCOgh1Mn2pNT-L_dTk3ty_vXaRXIYkgI6DAMje02z/s1600/ewan+mcgregor+spunks+off+in+eva+green%2527s+mouth.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="144" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgysAMV6QZ9bfo6Edzwb2p-1NnVgh7vP1dupNBSUdih8WfP_wb63yoiL_sPPsC_BoS_5aDiYxVTrVpJk_TAzV2I_moTtd667Xg7BpOCCOgh1Mn2pNT-L_dTk3ty_vXaRXIYkgI6DAMje02z/s320/ewan+mcgregor+spunks+off+in+eva+green%2527s+mouth.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> Eva Green and Ewan McGregor have bathtime in Perfect Sense</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><style>
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</style> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>Perfect Sense (UK)</b></div><div class="MsoNormal">Bollocks! This film was like being raped in the face by Brian Sewell. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Pretentious wank about a disease with rubbish and random side effects, which included feeling tearful, a bit angry or peckish. Once these symptoms were out the way the patient then lost a sense like smell and hearing and all that. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s basically a zombie film without err… zombies.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">There was some love scenes with Ewan McGregor and Eva Green so at least there was some eye candy for all (personally, I would choose Green).</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">If Bruce Willis, or a gang of ninjas came in right at the end and killed everyone it would have been a whole lot better. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Highs: the scene in the bath where McGregor and Green eat soap</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Lows: the whole film is a steaming dog turd</div>Gusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-91553207505005495112011-06-28T07:11:00.000-07:002011-06-28T07:41:54.363-07:00Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 4<style>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifhNf2InlhH6lLWd8I-SWWVyQvyvUf1bsX5uob7OM5vQmwkCFZ0-g1znthE-cWc8rBlHGAi451xBiCQQE2T99CLER4-hzCbo-SjQGvRc93z5-Ap9eYuNlPao4rbyx_Lm6W1BAwaHhdXrWn/s1600/charlie+casanova+film+still+what+a+complete+wanker.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifhNf2InlhH6lLWd8I-SWWVyQvyvUf1bsX5uob7OM5vQmwkCFZ0-g1znthE-cWc8rBlHGAi451xBiCQQE2T99CLER4-hzCbo-SjQGvRc93z5-Ap9eYuNlPao4rbyx_Lm6W1BAwaHhdXrWn/s320/charlie+casanova+film+still+what+a+complete+wanker.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">wanker </span><b><br />
</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>Charlie Casanova</b></div><div class="MsoNormal">This was like being raped in the ears by Fred West wearing a pineapple for a condom.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Pretentious self indulgent shite from planet WANK. It reminded me of that painful bout of Chlamydia I had back in 2004.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Basically, a bunch of unlikable knob jockeys hang out in a hotel and play cards, and the most unlikable of them all becomes more and more unlikable as he does lots of unlikable things. A truly unlikable film.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I’d rather put chillies in my eyes.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Highs: My feet finally dried out.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Lows: It made me want a bath like when I went to that tramp orgy in 1998.<br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitv-vNaHqnxdvE4KiHVTtRK2us-RNHX9GcfTlCe2plD5wsq2lkCX5Kyb2pFMd5J8LPe5ViWeEXewsKE0pIrtpniL9S4LP-dnC50FA-nWi0E0fg3ETDoUQEg3W__XhaMHoUFTEwb4kbGaH_/s1600/the+last+circus.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="167" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitv-vNaHqnxdvE4KiHVTtRK2us-RNHX9GcfTlCe2plD5wsq2lkCX5Kyb2pFMd5J8LPe5ViWeEXewsKE0pIrtpniL9S4LP-dnC50FA-nWi0E0fg3ETDoUQEg3W__XhaMHoUFTEwb4kbGaH_/s400/the+last+circus.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"> </div><style>
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</style> <div class="MsoNormal"><b>The Last Circus (foreign)</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><br />
</b></div><div class="MsoNormal">There aren’t many things scarier than seeing a clown beat someone to death with a trombone. What more can I say! Quite an original story about revenge from a nerdy yet murderous clown.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The first half was brilliantly wacky but then it got too weird. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Highs: a clown in a dress kills half an army with a machete</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Lows: I've lost one of the diamonds from my vajazzle. Gutted.</div>Gusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-38249383214998164722011-06-28T06:52:00.000-07:002011-06-28T07:13:33.646-07:00Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 5<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjBo-vXcRFRSkWwTRH-i1GMcFxkm5_TQkW9TVWunow6apuj9yfZ5mebnjpDhJQPrPFur44Tkpknh51EHcly9F0F1pEBK_VZUl4E4wW17E3jTavi4Bk2OjmiV22ujngLVgwVEBYtwAJq-tI/s1600/kim_cattrall_slag_naked_sex_meet_monica_velour_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjBo-vXcRFRSkWwTRH-i1GMcFxkm5_TQkW9TVWunow6apuj9yfZ5mebnjpDhJQPrPFur44Tkpknh51EHcly9F0F1pEBK_VZUl4E4wW17E3jTavi4Bk2OjmiV22ujngLVgwVEBYtwAJq-tI/s320/kim_cattrall_slag_naked_sex_meet_monica_velour_.jpg" width="294" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Kim Cattrall's arse</span></div><br />
<b>Meet Monica Velour (USA)</b><br />
<b> </b> <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">A touching and funny coming of age story about a young boy obsessed with an ex pornstar. </div><div class="MsoNormal">This sweet American film, starring the slaggy one from Sex and The City, was surprisingly funny and well written. A great and very moving performance by TV’s favourite cock muncher Kim Cattrall, proving she can act after all. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Even though I’m well special and have a press pass, I watched this at the public screening and was proper impressed that loads of coffin dodgers attended and laughed at all the filthy jokes! Dirty Fuckers.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Highs: Cattrell’s erotic dance - proper buff for her age.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Lows: The cinema was full of old people and I think one of them shat itself.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>INTERVIEW: KIM CATTRELL</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Me: Hiya Kim nice to meet you. I like your top, is it from Peacocks?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Kim: Thank you, no.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Me: Dorothy Perkins has got a 60% off sale so I can’t stay too long.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Kim: okay.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Me: Right. Err… so you play a bit of a slag in this film. Did you find that easy, seeing as you mostly play slags?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Kim: My character is very complex, and is dealing with lots of issues such as trying to battle for custody of her daughter as well as find a suitable career move.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Me: You snogged a 17-year-old, how was that?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Kim: My co-star (Dustin Ingram) was actually twenty when we filmed it.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Me: Wow you snogged him too?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Kim: No, well yes- he’s the actor who played Tobe.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Me: So you snogged both of them – you’re so cool!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Kim: No, it wasn’t.. oh forget it.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Me: I’ve heard that you’re actually British and all that. Was you born in Essex coz you look like you live in Romford?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Kim: Actually I was born in Liverpool.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Me: Wow so you’re like a proper scouser, can you still do the accent?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Kim: We moved when I was very young, we didn’t-</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Me: Oh go on! Say (bad scouse accent) “Eh Barry d’ya wanna fight like?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Kim: (silent)</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Me: Oh go on say it: “Eh Barry d’ya wanna fight like?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Kim: Please go.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Kim starts to cry so I leave.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Well that's it for Edinburgh - see you next year! </div>Gusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-74587525562388360712010-09-28T01:34:00.000-07:002010-09-28T01:34:43.959-07:00Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (Finland)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtu9tKXNV8FRXcFyKJYgRFwd0J8O-gRTYnap7xDRD78Zcy9EfHlJjnDt7A3MV-AyF8Fs8Vdo9f5G3MYbBrM0j2sOwolYfNeZJPNcjikxy7fWAjW82WOykwpv7Tj6zrtgO-kv4XT1jd5QKF/s1600/rare_export.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" px="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtu9tKXNV8FRXcFyKJYgRFwd0J8O-gRTYnap7xDRD78Zcy9EfHlJjnDt7A3MV-AyF8Fs8Vdo9f5G3MYbBrM0j2sOwolYfNeZJPNcjikxy7fWAjW82WOykwpv7Tj6zrtgO-kv4XT1jd5QKF/s320/rare_export.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>This has got to be the weirdest film I have ever seen in my life. <br />
<br />
It's about Santa Claus, but he isn't the Coca Cola inspired Santa that we're all used to, he's a devilish beast with horns that boils children alive. These blokes kidnap him, right,<br />
and hold him for ransom.<br />
<br />
The main characters are a man and his son. The son is an amazing little actor with a face like Bjork's belly-button. There's lots of snow and quite a bit of blood. I wasn't sure if it was aimed at children or adults as it seemed to have running themes for both, yet there was loads of full-frontal male nudity! Gross! These men are in their 70s!<br />
<br />
It was pretty slow and boring and it all kicks off in the last 20 mins of the film. <br />
<br />
<strong>Highs</strong><br />
It's only 70 minutes long<br />
<br />
<strong>Lows</strong><br />
I offered my Pic n Mix around and some bastard took the last giant cola bottle - gutted!<br />
<br />
Barb xGusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-64067762996955731532010-09-16T06:14:00.000-07:002010-09-16T06:14:02.173-07:00WINTER’S BONEThis is gripping and rough as fuck. <br />
<br />
It's about this girl who lives in a skanky trailer with her cunty spastic lazy alcoholic mother who won’t do any housework. The girl looks after her two young siblings as well. It all gets all hardcore because the Dad, right, is missing and if he don’t turn up to the police station then they is gonna take the family's land and trailer and the kids will have to go on the game and the mother will have to go into care. Sounds depressing? It is, but it's really good as well.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwPD0GziPUW6W08beBBSaK_zz8jgm4nwItuLTYOxBhpCqFLd48-dau0-PlM6E1Q3_Zl3IDWzOZeSFKn8h4fmJE1Y0UN-HKo6p1UrlstogQimsrYHniOiP4FP8GnLphs_Hm3SWp8pKQ9pHe/s1600/winters-bone-poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwPD0GziPUW6W08beBBSaK_zz8jgm4nwItuLTYOxBhpCqFLd48-dau0-PlM6E1Q3_Zl3IDWzOZeSFKn8h4fmJE1Y0UN-HKo6p1UrlstogQimsrYHniOiP4FP8GnLphs_Hm3SWp8pKQ9pHe/s320/winters-bone-poster.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<strong>Highs</strong><br />
There’s a really sick bit in it – it’s so fucked up it's totally wicked!<br />
<br />
<strong>Lows</strong><br />
No funny lines or romantic moments.Gusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-67325708141957658412010-09-04T11:18:00.000-07:002010-09-04T11:19:59.225-07:00Venice Wet Film FestivalJesus Chris it bucketed it down yesterday and I can't believe I forgot to bring a brolly. It's Italy FFS, not Manchester. I'm glad I'm only here for two days.<br />
<br />
Last night I shagged a few celebrities at some VIP party and boy I should really have my own gossip column. I didn't sleep a wink so I hope today's review makes sense.<br />
<br />
<b>MACHETE (US) by Robert Rodriguez</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvqCKNiKeRD0bVLT1Xt_u93S4ZgU_X8RwoZ9tbjJ-0EEejhaVP33V-4BPqcoq9xr60IqWb_JFPTbwFhqdDQfLdA_5hdq0TYqoh6KT0DUjySMk-KGsSBWqbnri64StxQ2_TKNul7YJ7IzFw/s1600/machete_the_movie_review_Lindsay_lohan_gusset_porn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvqCKNiKeRD0bVLT1Xt_u93S4ZgU_X8RwoZ9tbjJ-0EEejhaVP33V-4BPqcoq9xr60IqWb_JFPTbwFhqdDQfLdA_5hdq0TYqoh6KT0DUjySMk-KGsSBWqbnri64StxQ2_TKNul7YJ7IzFw/s320/machete_the_movie_review_Lindsay_lohan_gusset_porn.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: x-small;"> Is that a knife in your pocket...?</span></b></div><br />
Boys, you're gonna love this! It's a mad crazy revenge comic caper with loads of bloody knives. It has a 1970s feel to it which was awesome. It was proper gory in places but was funny and camp in others.<br />
<br />
A host of A-listers in the cast, all looking pretty hot. Even Lindsay Lohan (in a Nun outfit I kid you not) in her extremely tiny role. It was fun all the way though. Thank God I had a massive line before I went in otherwise I would've fallen asleep (not coz it were boring, coz it weren't).<br />
<br />
It's crazy. You Gusset fans will love it. It feels a bit like a Quentin Tarantino film - not that that's a bad thing.<br />
<br />
<b>Highs</b><br />
Shitloads of violence, big knives and sex.<br />
<br />
<b>Lows</b><br />
The guy next to me kept farting.<br />
<br />
Barbarella xGusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-75524355569982182742010-09-02T04:52:00.000-07:002010-09-02T04:52:14.409-07:00Venice Film Festival 2010<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGlEjhBlO7QvSKiQLSo-ia7OuLM8lXH7J_-PWcIc2dGh5cq5OXJTCKK9sZvgEfqiwLLlr92_zTof1uViuy6Le_Bxzs2BT-JylV4nsaqo8NIfxt8Y7QYN11DhKhWS6Y0hNDLAC7VnJzT0yK/s1600/Blackswanposter.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGlEjhBlO7QvSKiQLSo-ia7OuLM8lXH7J_-PWcIc2dGh5cq5OXJTCKK9sZvgEfqiwLLlr92_zTof1uViuy6Le_Bxzs2BT-JylV4nsaqo8NIfxt8Y7QYN11DhKhWS6Y0hNDLAC7VnJzT0yK/s320/Blackswanposter.png" /></a></div>So yeah I’m at the Venice Film Festival innit. It stinks like bad drains but is proper posh and all that. Most people wear suits so I feel like a right chav. I’ve only packed hot pants, a mini, false eyelashes, chicken fillets and a pair of knickers, and there’s no Primark nearby to rectify my error. Oh well I’ll just have to make do with all the snooty looks.<br />
<br />
<br />
Here’s my review of the first film and I’m proper knackered and hungover:<br />
<br />
<strong>BLACK SWAN (US) Darren Aronofsky</strong><br />
Wow it's proper dark but I loved it. It had that bird in it from Leon who looked pretty buff and can dance ballet and everything. It’s a thriller and I was thrilled and a bit disturbed. It had a really eerie quality to it and my eyes were practically glued to the screen. I think though, the camera or lighting people or whoever, forgot to put on the lights when they was filming because it was too dark and for a while I kept thinking I left my sunglasses on. <br />
<br />
I’m not a massive fan of shoplifter Winona Ryder but she was brilliant in it (not as good as Natalie mind). There's a cracking dance routine in it which lasted for ages, and the music was amazing, I think it was by that Chikovski bloke from the 1940s. <br />
<strong>Highs</strong><br />
It’s like Flashdance – but for boys!<br />
<br />
<strong>Lows</strong><br />
It was a bit do dark in places but then again this is by the dude who did Requiem for a Dream.<br />
<br />
a sleepy Barbarella xGusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-2763673506781219932010-08-31T07:01:00.000-07:002010-08-31T07:01:47.602-07:00CHERRY TREE LANE (UK) by Paul Andrew Williams<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh06n2Jt2oGNtB8Bmh_OxO_LQ8aquvUECaHG45okbhCt8tjXwsZipH2hnV9wYHfBp4RAtImdntZLeGayKMQeNeoDnzApN7NzEVfBTrZmIgcHU1ptKflZMbB_HITQ1bzHriHDmU4b92AFEYZ/s1600/cherry-tree-lane.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh06n2Jt2oGNtB8Bmh_OxO_LQ8aquvUECaHG45okbhCt8tjXwsZipH2hnV9wYHfBp4RAtImdntZLeGayKMQeNeoDnzApN7NzEVfBTrZmIgcHU1ptKflZMbB_HITQ1bzHriHDmU4b92AFEYZ/s320/cherry-tree-lane.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">an annoying middle-class cunt getting attacked by hoodies</span></div><br />
It’s mean't to be about a normal middle class couple, but they are actually a right couple of cunts. Thankfully though they get attacked in their home by some cunty teenagers as an act of revenge because their son is also a cunt. The teenagers were mostly black so I it's also well racist, just like my Uncle Derek who calls black people nig-nogs. I've given up telling him off, some people just can't be changed.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I didn't really like Cheery Tree Lane to be honest, right. It weren’t exactly cinematic and might as well have been a radio or a cunting stage play.<br />
<br />
The woman gets raped, but she’s such a cunt you don’t really care about her.<br />
<br />
It made me angry. Afterwards I wanted to kick a pigeon, but I didn't.<br />
<br />
<strong>Highs</strong><br />
Found 50p on the floor on the way in<br />
<br />
<strong>Lows</strong><br />
Fucking pile of shit<br />
<br />
Barbarella xGusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-12115172308854168902010-08-13T06:14:00.000-07:002010-08-13T06:14:08.936-07:00TRASH HUMPERS (US) by Harmony Korine<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg06Ppq5g-I3cbalxf9hJ46iUcR0LmJ-p5pURjp0P7VcaeBJzehbj2jJj8nIHPRwQaYEsX_f08gB3aCgHOn-ZRfRLLGvUkL_L5_l52ty2STcPEbhiIO4orGr91F7GrF5IVWbm6us3xNetQl/s1600/trashbin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg06Ppq5g-I3cbalxf9hJ46iUcR0LmJ-p5pURjp0P7VcaeBJzehbj2jJj8nIHPRwQaYEsX_f08gB3aCgHOn-ZRfRLLGvUkL_L5_l52ty2STcPEbhiIO4orGr91F7GrF5IVWbm6us3xNetQl/s200/trashbin.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>This was like being raped in the eyes by a chainsaw.<br />
<br />
It's the weirdest film I've ever seen, but not in like a clever way. I didn't really understand it to be honest. There's these 3 people right, two men and a 'woman' all wearing these masks that makes them look somewhere between that dude from Bo' Selecta and Frank Butcher. They pretend to be old people and go around doing naughty ASBO-type things like humping trees and bins. They do more bad crimes later on, like murder. <br />
<br />
It was all filmed on an old camcorder or something, so it was all fuzzy. <br />
<br />
<strong>Highs</strong><br />
When they tied dolls to their bikes and took them for a drag.<br />
<br />
<strong>Lows</strong><br />
I will never get those 78 minutes back and I missed Die Hard 3 on ITV2.<br />
<br />
Barbarella would rather have an internal haemorrage than watch this.<br />
Barb xGusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-28181065431878713002010-08-10T06:16:00.000-07:002010-08-10T06:16:00.565-07:00Skeletons Review (UK) 2010<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVixJo3e_p2s4Xoy1dG70Or2VLuNE5tn5bFc4Xw6VQnVlKQcdVHXyFDQz7OnCLZ_Inrb87DBw-cSGDOGJOqJeOOQz4Aw6XoJPXZOZhErOyVzmBnlPk2NK0815LrsfS3GaQstCz2M3oJnX1/s1600/Skeletons_Film_review.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVixJo3e_p2s4Xoy1dG70Or2VLuNE5tn5bFc4Xw6VQnVlKQcdVHXyFDQz7OnCLZ_Inrb87DBw-cSGDOGJOqJeOOQz4Aw6XoJPXZOZhErOyVzmBnlPk2NK0815LrsfS3GaQstCz2M3oJnX1/s320/Skeletons_Film_review.jpg" /></a>This is a well funny film and it made me laugh. Basically it’s about these two guys, right, and they go around people’s houses and flush out the skeletons in their closets forever so that they can get on with life without worrying that those bony Victoria Beckhams are gonna creep up on them.<br />
<br />
It's like proper imaginative and original right, and loads better than all that crap that working title, the arse crack of the British film industry, usually churn out. <br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I wish I could hire these guys to flush my skeletons away, but it would probably take a week because of Uncle Jarvis and his sticky hands.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">It touched my winkles with a feathery pancake and warmed my chilly biscuits.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div>There weren't any fit men in it. But I saw some cute bloke in the audience so we had a quick bunk up in the spastic toilet. That made up for it.Gusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-38569688162903173922010-06-29T15:25:00.000-07:002010-06-29T15:29:02.775-07:00Edfest HighlightsSo yeah, like my Edinburger Top 5 are:<br />
<br />
1. Boy<br />
2. Winter's Bone<br />
3. Skeletons<br />
4. Donkeys<br />
5. Barry Munday<br />
<br />
So there.<br />
<br />
Well, I better get my beauty sleep as I'm off to a tupperware party with Carol Vordeman tomorrow and I wanna make sure I look better than her.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFk673b6WI1bBjUn8R4EIBQwXDTX_pGUbRaKKIdWwr7kjGXkBxUQmyNJXnWJzPPDF2RBENu3uoneRYRo9Sy7QusSAUjqSu5Kc97_NQMcb1eUkN4OwZcFzaqzlRImFK1Hlm6lht5lRXv1Pw/s1600/CarolVorderman-1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFk673b6WI1bBjUn8R4EIBQwXDTX_pGUbRaKKIdWwr7kjGXkBxUQmyNJXnWJzPPDF2RBENu3uoneRYRo9Sy7QusSAUjqSu5Kc97_NQMcb1eUkN4OwZcFzaqzlRImFK1Hlm6lht5lRXv1Pw/s320/CarolVorderman-1.gif" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Slaggy Maths Cunt</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Barbarella x</div>Gusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-65834565607116983842010-06-29T14:17:00.000-07:002010-06-29T14:17:10.549-07:00Edfest - Day 5My champagne binge followed by crabsticks and Pot Noodle has given me a right cunting belly-ache.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">MY SON MY SON WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?</span> (US) Werner Herzog<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivgNa5F3hoJi5xHKznJD4iKAUDM-D0MI7Pfsr6dLNhaKws9c81Bu5hG9oaNCTJW3XJasOHDHDPjyXdD5yPqsIjDXkNXKSFWt7fb9i4yuIGkG8RPpNJ8uBI7txzQPwbfH6F-KZr4zBX0daG/s1600/My+Son,+My+Son,+What+Have+Ye+Done+movie+image++Michael+Shannon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivgNa5F3hoJi5xHKznJD4iKAUDM-D0MI7Pfsr6dLNhaKws9c81Bu5hG9oaNCTJW3XJasOHDHDPjyXdD5yPqsIjDXkNXKSFWt7fb9i4yuIGkG8RPpNJ8uBI7txzQPwbfH6F-KZr4zBX0daG/s320/My+Son,+My+Son,+What+Have+Ye+Done+movie+image++Michael+Shannon.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Fucking hell!<br />
<br />
What the fuck was going on in this worm's nest of a film. It's produced by that David Lynch guy so was as weird as a radiator at a picnic.<br />
<br />
It had Chloe Svegningyfhcgygflg or whatever her fucking name is but I like her loads.<br />
<br />
I is thinking I am well thick coz I didn't get it what was going on so I threw popcorn every now and again at a bald man a few rows in front of me. Hehe he never knew it was me and he kept looking round. I've got an innocent face, and tits to die for.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span><br />
Who?<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span><br />
What?<br />
<br />
<br />
I saw loads of short films for the rest of the day and I can't be arsed to review them. Some of them were wanky beyond belief.<br />
<br />
Barbarella xGusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-20913047900770802512010-06-29T14:06:00.000-07:002010-06-29T14:06:44.986-07:00EdFest - Day 4<div class="MsoNormal">Three fucking brilliant films today, which really riles me. I hate having to give nice reviews.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">SKELETONS</span> (UK)<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxxSNo1bXJLzA3Cag5zCftwgwE0p7Ckllhrg6FGT10unsYJFCVCMPGMQAEmvZpTm8gdHHXpWRCMQXXLCmj9yDmZ1XyeE0RsSgBQfvjRTj3_L36ALrkDddM4nCHBpiz0onIK3M04of5KUCx/s1600/Skeletons_Film_still.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxxSNo1bXJLzA3Cag5zCftwgwE0p7Ckllhrg6FGT10unsYJFCVCMPGMQAEmvZpTm8gdHHXpWRCMQXXLCmj9yDmZ1XyeE0RsSgBQfvjRTj3_L36ALrkDddM4nCHBpiz0onIK3M04of5KUCx/s320/Skeletons_Film_still.jpg" /></a></div>This is a well funny film. Basically it’s about these two guys right, and there go around people’s houses and flush out the skeletons in their closets forever so that they can get on with life without worrying that those bony Victoria Beckhams are gonna creep up on them.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I wish I could hire them to flush mine away, but it would probably take a week!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">It touched my winkles with a feathery pancake.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">There was no fit men in it.<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">WINTER’S BONE</span> (US)<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwGXZUwyv6mkmcGUuQdVE1KpDXeF75-OLZB-4oxhHOhuuIGDQDvLJOp_RsBxBw7hy2XPpkE6mHXa8GjOvcAuF1VxTi8CjXzQY0IpVk9HTxdhcvoCx5rPE9Pt7yfWeKLrb42M5TXeJGHJxs/s1600/winters-bone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwGXZUwyv6mkmcGUuQdVE1KpDXeF75-OLZB-4oxhHOhuuIGDQDvLJOp_RsBxBw7hy2XPpkE6mHXa8GjOvcAuF1VxTi8CjXzQY0IpVk9HTxdhcvoCx5rPE9Pt7yfWeKLrb42M5TXeJGHJxs/s320/winters-bone.jpg" /></a></div><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This is about this girl who lives in a skanky trailer with her cunty spastic mum who won’t do any housework. The girl also looks after her two young siblings. Then it all gets all hardcore because her Dad is missing and if he don’t turn up to the police station then they is gonna take their land and trailer and the kids will have to go on the games and the mum will have to go into care.<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s gripping and rough as fuck. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">There’s a really sick bit in it – it’s so fucked up it's totally wicked!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">No funny lines or romantic moments.<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">DONKEYS</span> (UK) <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPazh3ntG-Gbz4tqf44-Snmm6prfZ0Rrsxcu4aHa0YkRQcmahF4XXIj2OUffuFarbFib6jIEMMTl1eRuq1diSGiWGltqW1FTmBLJQ-OEp1UznVapzjQBdv-WBDAjiulwaJnwhVDCexwVmu/s1600/donkeys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPazh3ntG-Gbz4tqf44-Snmm6prfZ0Rrsxcu4aHa0YkRQcmahF4XXIj2OUffuFarbFib6jIEMMTl1eRuq1diSGiWGltqW1FTmBLJQ-OEp1UznVapzjQBdv-WBDAjiulwaJnwhVDCexwVmu/s320/donkeys.jpg" /></a></div><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This film has Kate Dickie in it and guess what? She gets her lily white baps out again. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This is like well funny. I’m amazed that they could make such a funny film about a Dad dieing of cancer. It covers everything: old age, loneliness, grief, incest, astrophysics and forgiveness. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">I laughed so much I dribbled on the person next to me but he didn’t mind.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">I cried so much I nuzzled the person next to me and he got a stiffy so his wife stropped off. I can’t help being fit!<br />
<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">PARTY TIME: The Runaways Party</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br />
</span><br />
So yay I got put on the guest list for the 'Runaways' party. Yet again, I could not be buggered to see the film.<br />
<br />
Some fat bird comes up to me, so I says "this is great innit, free champagne and I never even saw the cunty film", she just stared at me funny so I says "so what you up here for are you a reviewer as well?" and she says "no I'm the producer". Oh dear massive whoops!<br />
<br />
There were loads of men there so I got chatted up mostly. I had loads of champers then the bar only goes and runs out dunnit. So I showed my boobies to this Welshmen and he got me another champagne. Aren't Welsh people cool! I was proper bladdered by the time I got back to my room so I ate 8 crabsticks and a Pot Noodle.<br />
<br />
Barbarella x<br />
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</div>Gusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-81480439495268357732010-06-26T07:25:00.000-07:002010-06-29T13:49:00.770-07:00Edinburgh Film Fest - day 3 (FILMS & PARTIES)<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">BOY</span> (NZ) starring Taika Waititi</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm5ejHGb2wYkgqGYVY_pi2VZuX8ufU7Yge5BfhrDCHvEQABWmutC3_oWbI0W9Z8ojWECcrm9pB61wserjiN7dwgE8cUstE3wmeQwWeuNtdXgmCC-kjL2ICBiA1Ljdyqkd_f-gGwTR8X_BE/s1600/boy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm5ejHGb2wYkgqGYVY_pi2VZuX8ufU7Yge5BfhrDCHvEQABWmutC3_oWbI0W9Z8ojWECcrm9pB61wserjiN7dwgE8cUstE3wmeQwWeuNtdXgmCC-kjL2ICBiA1Ljdyqkd_f-gGwTR8X_BE/s320/boy.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This is fucking brilliant. My favourite film of the whole fucking festival. It’s from that kiwi bloke who directed ‘Eagle vs Shark’ and he’s got something to do with Flight of the Conchords.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Boy is set in 1984 so there’s loads of bad clothes, shit haircuts and Michael Jackson impressions. It’s about a boy and his Dad. His dad’s a bellend loser.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">It made me laugh so much that some wee came out.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Fuck off there aren’t any.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">MONSTERS</span> (UK/USA) starring two pretty (annoying) yanks</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidPZMcxFJQSlwlqqwgMIjDNAvfRHyxFQxqlPLtqLbWg_UgJg-fYyEs0o5pvWX_l4d-Cw0YvztECZpNqODIGsvCRgJM_JJC1nuGinmbweIZaCd58h34UPaVpo2EZsz85ZMcUwjrdD5xi7Iv/s1600/monsters.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidPZMcxFJQSlwlqqwgMIjDNAvfRHyxFQxqlPLtqLbWg_UgJg-fYyEs0o5pvWX_l4d-Cw0YvztECZpNqODIGsvCRgJM_JJC1nuGinmbweIZaCd58h34UPaVpo2EZsz85ZMcUwjrdD5xi7Iv/s320/monsters.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I dunno what I think of this to be honest. It’s a sort of romantic horror film that isn’t scary, or romantic.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The special effects are wicked though. There’s these massive octopus things that go around smashing up Americans. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I never felt as though the main characters were in danger or were gonna get killed, which is a shame because they really got on my nerves and I wanted to see their insides come out.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Loads of US marines die.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Don’t see any tits.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">BARRY MUNDAY</span> (USA) starring Chloe Svengy (or whatever her fucking name is)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAp1dPNR7rV9m8zAdOingL-RtUmLFkJw2bl037m7iTlss-q-300ksvSG3Jz4XQ0-7Xc8zStRoqyfhDl3YvJg01GtojnH3vNmFeY1MNPV67fLQHzhzJMpDiUV8sZgnWF_gjOfVJbeoussjP/s1600/barry-munday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAp1dPNR7rV9m8zAdOingL-RtUmLFkJw2bl037m7iTlss-q-300ksvSG3Jz4XQ0-7Xc8zStRoqyfhDl3YvJg01GtojnH3vNmFeY1MNPV67fLQHzhzJMpDiUV8sZgnWF_gjOfVJbeoussjP/s320/barry-munday.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This is brill. It’s about this bloke right, he’s called Barry Munday, and he sees himself as a bit of a lady’s man, but really he's just a gimp-tard. One day he has accident and his balls get chopped off and he can’t have kids no more. Then some ugly minger turns up saying he shagged her ages ago and got her up the duff. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It did get a bit smultzy with him being a dad n that but it still had some well funny lines it.<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">The phallic symbols in the scene with the mutilated penis help group</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">I really needed a poo but I didn’t want to leave the cinema.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">PARTY TIME</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Soul Boy Party</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">I couldn't be arsed to see the film but I went to the party. I pretended I saw it and said it was 'mediocre at best', when asked. I was well shocked when I went to the bar: NO FREE BOOZE. So I fucked off soon after that. The DJ was good.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Ceilidh Party</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Get this right, the word 'ceilidh' is pronounced like 'kaley'. Mental!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiWrvFZbZiEdbOaJ-rTTF3geh0mwsBWFKljtpAMupwlojRWrrGdLuX3zeWU7kuRl2f-gbfRejWpYJJg2iZYEdtEEh4ovj0ID-_Rv4qhsEvLnfnu__mfjJH-YgX-RXQuQIgM7XYRRBLGuVT/s1600/benmiller.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiWrvFZbZiEdbOaJ-rTTF3geh0mwsBWFKljtpAMupwlojRWrrGdLuX3zeWU7kuRl2f-gbfRejWpYJJg2iZYEdtEEh4ovj0ID-_Rv4qhsEvLnfnu__mfjJH-YgX-RXQuQIgM7XYRRBLGuVT/s320/benmiller.jpg" /></a>The ceilidh was awesome, Sean Connery was there but he'd left by the time I arrived. Patrick Stewart was dancing with some tarts. I did some Scottish dancing but it was crap and looked gay. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">There was free Glenmorangie all night which was fucking well brill! Ben Miller was there. That man really can't dance, I felt sorry for him. He had some young slappa hanging around his neck though so good on him.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">On the way home this really nice fella held my kebab whilst I pissed in an alleyway. I love Scotland.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Barbarella x</div>Gusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-80338727024849760662010-06-26T05:41:00.000-07:002010-06-29T13:43:37.186-07:00Edinburgh International Film Festival - Day 2<div class="MsoNormal">Hangover finally gone but had to get up well early to make sure I got good tickets.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">SNOWMAN'S LAND</span> (foreign)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ3kVLJGYibIuLxaU989YFJC0A5PmO-ODUFY3se0LqYpTbgdxoWfGANc4OIi0SCZhWewBlzwcaj89c9tB95H0uJExui9yQhMAEJ6Yp-AdaN2qL4PQo7-Hn6S4N_AqtFUsFBFgzvoc5O6LK/s1600/snow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ3kVLJGYibIuLxaU989YFJC0A5PmO-ODUFY3se0LqYpTbgdxoWfGANc4OIi0SCZhWewBlzwcaj89c9tB95H0uJExui9yQhMAEJ6Yp-AdaN2qL4PQo7-Hn6S4N_AqtFUsFBFgzvoc5O6LK/s320/snow.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">For fuck’s sake this is another foreign film but luckily they didn’t speak massively so it was all right. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This is about 2 rubbish assassins and was quite funny. One of them is quite fit too. It’s set somewhere foreign where there’s lots of snow, hence the name. There's quite a bit of killing and some torture.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">It made me laugh</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Fucking 9am to watch a press screening!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">HUGE</span> (UK) directed by Ben Miller</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxobwnLaWEbGm_iRVechi70yQGXfxvkvIkm99U6sv8iTu0svTiA4BZeM_1vRITZqmOFW2xcgCrY_aZ8WRtcY9XxyD_QxRgStIER4vsWsld35hxwgSipPv8HcYR0xP-RWvV2utoom8ILsKb/s1600/ryan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxobwnLaWEbGm_iRVechi70yQGXfxvkvIkm99U6sv8iTu0svTiA4BZeM_1vRITZqmOFW2xcgCrY_aZ8WRtcY9XxyD_QxRgStIER4vsWsld35hxwgSipPv8HcYR0xP-RWvV2utoom8ILsKb/s320/ryan.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This film is about two comedians that are a bit shit trying to make it huge.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I thought this was gonna be good because I like Ben Miller, but do you know what? It’s shit. It didn’t really seem to go anywhere and the two characters really got on my tits.<br />
<br />
I’m no film expect or nuffink, but there weren’t a subplot.<br />
<br />
I got a bit bored and started thinking about bums and amputees.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">It starred Michelle Ryan who was one of the Slater sisters in Eastenders.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">It starred Michelle Ryan who was one of the Slater sisters in Eastenders.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">CHERRY TREE LANE</span> (UK) starred some unknowns</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjClOG0l8QfGcfcVJ8TTtreLUCdqmkskD9AuJCru0KYCFlzpzNRe4OfzBN7NVNahCAWqbrd1630XxqirjDehAcC5wHCMN6Gb9ozsXieLc10g8_m77x5O05fs7wYNoJh64NolbwpROezmp2d/s1600/Cherry_Tree_Lane.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjClOG0l8QfGcfcVJ8TTtreLUCdqmkskD9AuJCru0KYCFlzpzNRe4OfzBN7NVNahCAWqbrd1630XxqirjDehAcC5wHCMN6Gb9ozsXieLc10g8_m77x5O05fs7wYNoJh64NolbwpROezmp2d/s320/Cherry_Tree_Lane.jpg" /></a>Fuck me, another shit film! This was worse than 'Huge' though.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s about a really cunty middle class couple who get attacked in their home by some cunty teenagers, who were mostly black so I it's also well racist, like my Uncle Derek.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The woman gets raped too but she’s such a cunt you don’t really care about her. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It weren’t exactly cinematic and might as well have been a radio or cunting stage play. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Found 50p on the floor on the way in</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Fucking pile of shit</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Barbarella x</div>Gusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-26482447854405407102010-06-26T05:01:00.000-07:002010-06-29T13:41:26.493-07:00Edinburgh International Film Festival - Day 1Massive hangover all day and had really bad shits but still managed to review 4 films<br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">OUTCAST</span> (UK) starring James Nesbitt and Kate Dickie</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRGWq3p_poHIkvfLlZYBT2dG4FpPMkxJSgj1nl5tWe7flSokZ-RfnEcf_MZNt0RmkKVwtIFrJzWjab9Q8EvvM8P2XwNKZ_0_HmWEgP4DRNadrMejyvBjaiQdqjfZ_qlxZd6o5o3DnXcn6s/s1600/outcast.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRGWq3p_poHIkvfLlZYBT2dG4FpPMkxJSgj1nl5tWe7flSokZ-RfnEcf_MZNt0RmkKVwtIFrJzWjab9Q8EvvM8P2XwNKZ_0_HmWEgP4DRNadrMejyvBjaiQdqjfZ_qlxZd6o5o3DnXcn6s/s320/outcast.png" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I was a bit sceptical about seeing James Nesbitt as a baddie because he's usually typecast and plays wankers. He was actually good at being mean but I think it’s coz he’s got a monobrow and looks angry all the time.<br />
<br />
I met Nesbitt once, I was stealing a boob-tube from a bag left outside a charity shop and he had a right go at me. Cock Jockey! </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Anyway, the film was like quite good n that. Basically yeah, it was an urban horror. I weren’t sure what the monsters were, witchy-werewolves or something. I liked the idea of them trying to live a normal like – would have made a better sitcom. Kate Dickie, who famously got her minge out in Red Road, got her baps out, but we've all seen them. It was hard to take Nesbitt seriously and I did laugh a lot (it’s not a comedy). </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">You get to see Nesbitt’s willy too, but it’s nothing to write home about. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">There was a woman next to me in the cinema with really bad breath and that properly knobbed me off.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">MAN NEXT DOOR</span> (foreign) starring some foreign actors</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZWn6Tz24zV6N5NH0RU5XBZnQ0haQVtO6_UiKzsKtLZXicNLm3vZ2ukLw7aULpU74IuEpsPftJkZJkkz62LNpcV65jUOOFojtjurcFafr6OYbsPCFbIGk2T2O8sgm05LqJMuBJmUca7k19/s1600/man.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZWn6Tz24zV6N5NH0RU5XBZnQ0haQVtO6_UiKzsKtLZXicNLm3vZ2ukLw7aULpU74IuEpsPftJkZJkkz62LNpcV65jUOOFojtjurcFafr6OYbsPCFbIGk2T2O8sgm05LqJMuBJmUca7k19/s320/man.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I quite liked this. It’s about a man next door.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But what’s the fucking deal with all the subtitles. I’ve come to watch a film not read a book. I’m a slow reader so didn’t finish reading and some of the words were quite big.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The main character wore glasses and was a right uptight snob like my Uncle Derek who lives in Walton-on-Thames and hates blacks. The other character is a really cool poor guy with a big nose.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I think this film was all about social differences and the person you liked at the beginning you hated at the end and vice versa.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">The kid in it had a wicked bedroom and cool clothes.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Fucking subtitles.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">22 BULLETS</span> (foreign) starring that bloke from Leon</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRDiKv1p2-VOcHmipUCVSc575y0Qy_rTqdXe-ZUMPNcIPgLVD21SdoxR5rM3nKmykwg-abkhfKHBHxzBtvNdFf_KKGtkpZv7l9ZfgwHanc7xdmxXvF8eveVlLFKfH70qPYSICwsPc4zAlT/s1600/22bullets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRDiKv1p2-VOcHmipUCVSc575y0Qy_rTqdXe-ZUMPNcIPgLVD21SdoxR5rM3nKmykwg-abkhfKHBHxzBtvNdFf_KKGtkpZv7l9ZfgwHanc7xdmxXvF8eveVlLFKfH70qPYSICwsPc4zAlT/s320/22bullets.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal">This film was like a good version of Lock Stock…</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I well fancy Jean Reno and I got to interview him after. Proper chuffed.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So yeah, basically, at the beginning Reno gets shot by 22 bullets but guess what? He doesn’t die. He’s like some kind of super amazing retired mafia bloke. He goes back and takes revenge and that’s pretty much it. There’s a twist but it was proper predictable like when Bruce Willis is dead in Sixth Sense.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Fucking subtitles again but I couldn’t be arsed to read them so wasn’t 100% sure what was going on half the time. There was a lot of characters too and they all looked the same so I didn’t really know who was who.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Jean Reno’s sexy voice made my firy biscuits melt.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Some couple next to me kept snogging and it really got my goat.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">INTERVIEW WITH JEAN RENO</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Me: Hi, do you mind if I call you Leon coz I have a bit of a fantasy about it?</div><div class="MsoNormal">Reno: Go for it.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Me: So the film is in foreign, did they not think to make it in English?</div><div class="MsoNormal">Reno: No. It is a French film, all the actors and film makers are French.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Me: Oh. Do you like Edinburgh?</div><div class="MsoNormal">Reno: No. But it’s a beautiful city, I love Scottish architecture.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Me: You should make sure you get yourself a fried Mars Bar they’re proper nice. So, in ‘22 Bullets’ you got shot, did it hurt?</div><div class="MsoNormal">Reno: No they’re not real guns and bullets.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Me: Oh.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Reno: the blood isn’t real either.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Me: You're pissing in my mouth! It looked proper real. So, can we talk about ‘Leon’ that was a much better film. Your character fancied a kid, have you ever fancied a kid?</div><div class="MsoNormal">Reno: No. </div><div class="MsoNormal">Me: Not even your own?</div><div class="MsoNormal">Reno: No.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Me: What, are they not good-looking then?</div><div class="MsoNormal">Reno: Yes but (sighs)… I’m going to call my agent.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He left after that but I stole his phone and sold it on the Royal Mile for a fiver.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">TWO EYES STARING</span> (fucking foreign again)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVW-_wOpSCERLX02q3TXsCOAP839s6q89Tq3KYO_ryFy8-Vku0JvSDK7cl19kcD6v3qXFOva3gwQsKky5DJ9cY8cjbXyzKge_jnIbqsnykzEYqLmoCV1guM4iyR7qb8uuJBv28d1xW9ClR/s1600/Two-eyes-staring-header.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="106" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVW-_wOpSCERLX02q3TXsCOAP839s6q89Tq3KYO_ryFy8-Vku0JvSDK7cl19kcD6v3qXFOva3gwQsKky5DJ9cY8cjbXyzKge_jnIbqsnykzEYqLmoCV1guM4iyR7qb8uuJBv28d1xW9ClR/s400/Two-eyes-staring-header.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">What’s with all the foreign films! I’m in England for God’s sake.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This film was like proper creepy like The Orphanage. It was about a family that move in a house haunted by a child who turns out to be the mother’s dead twin, who it turns out, the mother murdered when she was a little girl, but it turns out that the twin was actually alive all the time, and so it turns out the house wasn’t haunted after all it was just the daughter making it all up.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Oh shit I’ve given away the whole plot and all the twists, sorry about that. You probably won’t want to see it now, but do. Actually don’t. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Apparently Hollywood are re-making it, so may as well wait and then you wont have to read all the subtitles and it’ll have better famous people in it, like Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts, and Sarah Jessica Parker could play the horse (if there was one in it), and there will probably be a sex scene and a car chase. Cool.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Highs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">The Dad is really fit.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lows</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">No sex or car chase scenes, or aliens.<br />
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Barbarella x</div>Gusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8109442323994675154.post-6886729928052116692010-06-26T02:44:00.000-07:002010-06-29T13:36:09.080-07:00Edinburgh International Film Festival Day 0 - OPENING PARTY<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuNFnh-D07y1XN9YBwut_45_3h_9A2K0zw6n7b7bTu8y0EQjbEknFWFRicpSll4hacGRZOj6asabh4z2mv7xN2FyKFaQpYyRURo5VflygpBdHxACayoGIx8J5fRnKdahUCtQldv7fUikXl/s1600/sean.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuNFnh-D07y1XN9YBwut_45_3h_9A2K0zw6n7b7bTu8y0EQjbEknFWFRicpSll4hacGRZOj6asabh4z2mv7xN2FyKFaQpYyRURo5VflygpBdHxACayoGIx8J5fRnKdahUCtQldv7fUikXl/s320/sean.jpg" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 22px;"></span><br />
<div style="font-size: 1em; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">I’m dying for a fucking drink!</div><div style="font-size: 1em; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">So I walk down the red carpet and can’t believe no-one takes my picture! I gatecrash because some titwitch in the press office didn't get me a ticket. I head straight for the bar and it takes fucking ages to be served but eventually I'm carrying 2 mojitos (for moi) and down them promptly. Then I grab 2 dry white wines. I love a free bar! There are a few minor slebs knocking about but no-one exciting and I’ve heard Sean Connery has already left the building so I’m well pissed off.</div><div style="font-size: 1em; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">After 2 more glasses of wine I watch a magician and a burlesque dancer with small tits and a big arse. Everyone is properly dressed up in tuxedos and ball gowns. I’m wearing Primark skinny jeans and a Peacocks T-shirt but I don’t care coz I’m pissed.</div><div style="font-size: 1em; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">There’s a massive room upstairs with showgirls in fishnets and feather boas. Loads of men gather around them and stare at their tits. So do I, they’ve really nice tits.</div><div style="font-size: 1em; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Some security guard called Josh slapped me on the arse and I considered complaining about him but I probably asked for it coz I'm so hot, so I left it. I tried to get in the VIP area by chatting up the bouncer but it turned out to be a cloakroom (I was on the wrong floor and very pissed) what a wasted half-an-hour. I stole a bottle of wine and went back to me room, alone. I had a little cry.</div><div style="font-size: 1em; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Barbarella x</div>Gusset Newshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17082526141011740272noreply@blogger.com0