CHERRY TREE LANE (UK) by Paul Andrew Williams

an annoying middle-class cunt getting attacked by hoodies

It’s mean't to be about a normal middle class couple, but they are actually a right couple of cunts. Thankfully though they get attacked in their home by some cunty teenagers as an act of revenge because their son is also a cunt. The teenagers were mostly black so I it's also well racist, just like my Uncle Derek who calls black people nig-nogs. I've given up telling him off, some people just can't be changed.

Anyway, I didn't really like Cheery Tree Lane to be honest, right. It weren’t exactly cinematic and might as well have been a radio or a cunting stage play.

The woman gets raped, but she’s such a cunt you don’t really care about her.

It made me angry. Afterwards I wanted to kick a pigeon, but I didn't.

Highs
Found 50p on the floor on the way in

Lows
Fucking pile of shit

Barbarella x

TRASH HUMPERS (US) by Harmony Korine

This was like being raped in the eyes by a chainsaw.

It's the weirdest film I've ever seen, but not in like a clever way. I didn't really understand it to be honest. There's these 3 people right, two men and a 'woman' all wearing these masks that makes them look somewhere between that dude from Bo' Selecta and Frank Butcher. They pretend to be old people and go around doing naughty ASBO-type things like humping trees and bins. They do more bad crimes later on, like murder.

It was all filmed on an old camcorder or something, so it was all fuzzy.

Highs
When they tied dolls to their bikes and took them for a drag.

Lows
I will never get those 78 minutes back and I missed Die Hard 3 on ITV2.

Barbarella would rather have an internal haemorrage than watch this.
Barb x

Skeletons Review (UK) 2010

This is a well funny film and it made me laugh. Basically it’s about these two guys, right, and they go around people’s houses and flush out the skeletons in their closets forever so that they can get on with life without worrying that those bony Victoria Beckhams are gonna creep up on them.

It's like proper imaginative and original right, and loads better than all that crap that working title, the arse crack of the British film industry, usually churn out.

I wish I could hire these guys to flush my skeletons away, but it would probably take a week because of Uncle Jarvis and his sticky hands.

Highs

It touched my winkles with a feathery pancake and warmed my chilly biscuits.

Lows

There weren't any fit men in it. But I saw some cute bloke in the audience so we had a quick bunk up in the spastic toilet. That made up for it.