Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 1

It’s pissing down with rain, there’s no fruit/veg section in the local Sainsburys and I just saw a tramp having a shit outside Poundstretcher – It can only mean ONE THING – 

the Edinburgh International Film Festival!

I missed this year’s opening party coz I had to have another abortion but I’m ere now, and wont be using Tesco Basic condoms again. 

First things first – GOODY BAGS! And I’m not talking about Jade’s colostomy variety. Mine had a notepad, some bubblegum and a Moulinex blender incrusted with Sworszi crystals personally hand-signed by Ross Kemp. Get in! 

Now the serious stuff...

The Caller (UK)

Excellent psychological thriller/horror with a pretty ginger bird from ‘Twilight’.

So yeah this one is about some girl who moves into a flat and some creepy old hag keeps harassing her on the phone. Only some weird supernatural things start happening innit. The special effects were mega good and it was proper creepy like. Barbarella recommends you go see this one.

Highs: Really creepy bit near the end.

Lows: My feet were wet all the way through from the cunting rain.

Weekender (UK)

Some chavs from Manchester put on a rave and it turns out good so then do it again but things turn out nasty… is basically the major plot in this new British comedy from director Karl Golden. It’s a bit like Kevin and Perry Go Large mixed with 24-Hour Party People so if that’s your packet of Wotsits you’re laughing.

A stunning performance by the lovely Tom Meeten who played the stonehead DJ Captain Acid. It made me want to rave like it was 1990. Manumission!

Highs: Jolly entertaining and fun.

Lows: there were no drugs at the after party!

Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 2

 Ross Kemp wasn't in this film but he should've been

Rabies (Israel)

Right. Imagine the most vile and really stupidest fucktard you can think of and multiply by six and here you have a horror film about a bunch of unlikable mongheads who venture off into the woods that are filled with traps and mines. It turns out that the traps have been laid down by the local psychopath, bless him, only the psychopath seems like a nice dude compared to the supposed normal folk who end up bludgeoning each other to death with whatever they can find.

It does have a few jump out your chair moments so if you have an aging relative you’d like to kill off I highly recommend bringing them along. 

Highs: A nasty cop gets what he deserved

Lows: It didn’t have Ross Kemp in it.

 

Elite Squad – The Enemy Within (Brazil)

Thriller about a bunch of really naughty Brazilian cops.

This was another one of them foreign films so it was proper annoying to read all them subtitles plus I’m a slow reader so I missed quite a bit of it. It was like a Bruce Willis film but with lots of unknown actors in it. I liked it a lot though yeah and it got quite brutal at times which is well cool. This is a sequel though and I never saw the first one but it didn’t seem to matter.

Highs: Genuinely didn’t know what was gonna happen unlike most thrillers n that.

Lows: Subtitles really get my goat

 

Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 3

Albatross (UK)

This is like defo the best film of the fest, yeah, so be sure to check it out otherwise you’re a proper loser and your Mum eats out of bins.

This lovely British coming of age comedy stars the gorgeous Jessica Brown Findlay whose enigmatic performance reminded me of the talented Emily Lloyd in Wish You Were Here. Excellent performances and an inspiring script provide laughter and tears all the way. Even the small characters had well-written parts.

Highs: Favourite new insult to use it on your friends and family: “You Fuck Trumpet!”

Lows: Envy of Brown Findlay’s gorgeous body, though she needs some fake tan.

  Eva Green and Ewan McGregor have bathtime in Perfect Sense

Perfect Sense (UK)

Bollocks! This film was like being raped in the face by Brian Sewell.

Pretentious wank about a disease with rubbish and random side effects, which included feeling tearful, a bit angry or peckish. Once these symptoms were out the way the patient then lost a sense like smell and hearing and all that.

It’s basically a zombie film without err… zombies.

There was some love scenes with Ewan McGregor and Eva Green so at least there was some eye candy for all (personally, I would choose Green).

If Bruce Willis, or a gang of ninjas came in right at the end and killed everyone it would have been a whole lot better.

Highs: the scene in the bath where McGregor and Green eat soap

Lows: the whole film is a steaming dog turd

Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 4

wanker

Charlie Casanova

This was like being raped in the ears by Fred West wearing a pineapple for a condom.

Pretentious self indulgent shite from planet WANK. It reminded me of that painful bout of Chlamydia I had back in 2004.

Basically, a bunch of unlikable knob jockeys hang out in a hotel and play cards, and the most unlikable of them all becomes more and more unlikable as he does lots of unlikable things. A truly unlikable film.

I’d rather put chillies in my eyes.

Highs: My feet finally dried out.

Lows: It made me want a bath like when I went to that tramp orgy in 1998.

 

The Last Circus (foreign)

There aren’t many things scarier than seeing a clown beat someone to death with a trombone. What more can I say! Quite an original story about revenge from a nerdy yet murderous clown.

The first half was brilliantly wacky but then it got too weird.

Highs: a clown in a dress kills half an army with a machete

Lows: I've lost one of the diamonds from my vajazzle. Gutted.

Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 5

Kim Cattrall's arse

Meet Monica Velour (USA)
 

A touching and funny coming of age story about a young boy obsessed with an ex pornstar.

This sweet American film, starring the slaggy one from Sex and The City, was surprisingly funny and well written. A great and very moving performance by TV’s favourite cock muncher Kim Cattrall, proving she can act after all.

Even though I’m well special and have a press pass, I watched this at the public screening and was proper impressed that loads of coffin dodgers attended and laughed at all the filthy jokes! Dirty Fuckers.

Highs: Cattrell’s erotic dance - proper buff for her age.

Lows: The cinema was full of old people and I think one of them shat itself.

INTERVIEW: KIM CATTRELL

Me: Hiya Kim nice to meet you. I like your top, is it from Peacocks?

Kim: Thank you, no.

Me: Dorothy Perkins has got a 60% off sale so I can’t stay too long.

Kim: okay.

Me: Right. Err… so you play a bit of a slag in this film. Did you find that easy, seeing as you mostly play slags?

Kim: My character is very complex, and is dealing with lots of issues such as trying to battle for custody of her daughter as well as find a suitable career move.

Me: You snogged a 17-year-old, how was that?

Kim: My co-star (Dustin Ingram) was actually twenty when we filmed it.

Me: Wow you snogged him too?

Kim: No, well yes- he’s the actor who played Tobe.

Me: So you snogged both of them – you’re so cool!

Kim: No, it wasn’t.. oh forget it.

Me: I’ve heard that you’re actually British and all that. Was you born in Essex coz you look like you live in Romford?

Kim: Actually I was born in Liverpool.

Me: Wow so you’re like a proper scouser, can you still do the accent?

Kim: We moved when I was very young, we didn’t-

Me: Oh go on! Say (bad scouse accent) “Eh Barry d’ya wanna fight like?”

Kim: (silent)

Me: Oh go on say it: “Eh Barry d’ya wanna fight like?”

Kim: Please go.

Kim starts to cry so I leave.

Well that's it for Edinburgh - see you next year!