Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 3

Albatross (UK)

This is like defo the best film of the fest, yeah, so be sure to check it out otherwise you’re a proper loser and your Mum eats out of bins.

This lovely British coming of age comedy stars the gorgeous Jessica Brown Findlay whose enigmatic performance reminded me of the talented Emily Lloyd in Wish You Were Here. Excellent performances and an inspiring script provide laughter and tears all the way. Even the small characters had well-written parts.

Highs: Favourite new insult to use it on your friends and family: “You Fuck Trumpet!”

Lows: Envy of Brown Findlay’s gorgeous body, though she needs some fake tan.

  Eva Green and Ewan McGregor have bathtime in Perfect Sense

Perfect Sense (UK)

Bollocks! This film was like being raped in the face by Brian Sewell.

Pretentious wank about a disease with rubbish and random side effects, which included feeling tearful, a bit angry or peckish. Once these symptoms were out the way the patient then lost a sense like smell and hearing and all that.

It’s basically a zombie film without err… zombies.

There was some love scenes with Ewan McGregor and Eva Green so at least there was some eye candy for all (personally, I would choose Green).

If Bruce Willis, or a gang of ninjas came in right at the end and killed everyone it would have been a whole lot better.

Highs: the scene in the bath where McGregor and Green eat soap

Lows: the whole film is a steaming dog turd

Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 4

wanker

Charlie Casanova

This was like being raped in the ears by Fred West wearing a pineapple for a condom.

Pretentious self indulgent shite from planet WANK. It reminded me of that painful bout of Chlamydia I had back in 2004.

Basically, a bunch of unlikable knob jockeys hang out in a hotel and play cards, and the most unlikable of them all becomes more and more unlikable as he does lots of unlikable things. A truly unlikable film.

I’d rather put chillies in my eyes.

Highs: My feet finally dried out.

Lows: It made me want a bath like when I went to that tramp orgy in 1998.

 

The Last Circus (foreign)

There aren’t many things scarier than seeing a clown beat someone to death with a trombone. What more can I say! Quite an original story about revenge from a nerdy yet murderous clown.

The first half was brilliantly wacky but then it got too weird.

Highs: a clown in a dress kills half an army with a machete

Lows: I've lost one of the diamonds from my vajazzle. Gutted.

Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 5

Kim Cattrall's arse

Meet Monica Velour (USA)
 

A touching and funny coming of age story about a young boy obsessed with an ex pornstar.

This sweet American film, starring the slaggy one from Sex and The City, was surprisingly funny and well written. A great and very moving performance by TV’s favourite cock muncher Kim Cattrall, proving she can act after all.

Even though I’m well special and have a press pass, I watched this at the public screening and was proper impressed that loads of coffin dodgers attended and laughed at all the filthy jokes! Dirty Fuckers.

Highs: Cattrell’s erotic dance - proper buff for her age.

Lows: The cinema was full of old people and I think one of them shat itself.

INTERVIEW: KIM CATTRELL

Me: Hiya Kim nice to meet you. I like your top, is it from Peacocks?

Kim: Thank you, no.

Me: Dorothy Perkins has got a 60% off sale so I can’t stay too long.

Kim: okay.

Me: Right. Err… so you play a bit of a slag in this film. Did you find that easy, seeing as you mostly play slags?

Kim: My character is very complex, and is dealing with lots of issues such as trying to battle for custody of her daughter as well as find a suitable career move.

Me: You snogged a 17-year-old, how was that?

Kim: My co-star (Dustin Ingram) was actually twenty when we filmed it.

Me: Wow you snogged him too?

Kim: No, well yes- he’s the actor who played Tobe.

Me: So you snogged both of them – you’re so cool!

Kim: No, it wasn’t.. oh forget it.

Me: I’ve heard that you’re actually British and all that. Was you born in Essex coz you look like you live in Romford?

Kim: Actually I was born in Liverpool.

Me: Wow so you’re like a proper scouser, can you still do the accent?

Kim: We moved when I was very young, we didn’t-

Me: Oh go on! Say (bad scouse accent) “Eh Barry d’ya wanna fight like?”

Kim: (silent)

Me: Oh go on say it: “Eh Barry d’ya wanna fight like?”

Kim: Please go.

Kim starts to cry so I leave.

Well that's it for Edinburgh - see you next year!

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (Finland)

This has got to be the weirdest film I have ever seen in my life.

It's about Santa Claus, but he isn't the Coca Cola inspired Santa that we're all used to, he's a devilish beast with horns that boils children alive. These blokes kidnap him, right,
 and hold him for ransom.

The main characters are a man and his son. The son is an amazing little actor with a face like Bjork's belly-button. There's lots of snow and quite a bit of blood. I wasn't sure if it was aimed at children or adults as it seemed to have running themes for both, yet there was loads of full-frontal male nudity! Gross! These men are in their 70s!

It was pretty slow and boring and it all kicks off in the last 20 mins of the film.

Highs
It's only 70 minutes long

Lows
I offered my Pic n Mix around and some bastard took the last giant cola bottle - gutted!

Barb x

WINTER’S BONE

This is gripping and rough as fuck.

It's about this girl who lives in a skanky trailer with her cunty spastic lazy alcoholic mother who won’t do any housework. The girl looks after her two young siblings as well. It all gets all hardcore because the Dad, right, is missing and if he don’t turn up to the police station then they is gonna take the family's land and trailer and the kids will have to go on the game and the mother will have to go into care. Sounds depressing? It is, but it's really good as well.

Highs
There’s a really sick bit in it – it’s so fucked up it's totally wicked!

Lows
No funny lines or romantic moments.

Venice Wet Film Festival

Jesus Chris it bucketed it down yesterday and I can't believe I forgot to bring a brolly. It's Italy FFS, not Manchester. I'm glad I'm only here for two days.

Last night I shagged a few celebrities at some VIP party and boy I should really have my own gossip column. I didn't sleep a wink so I hope today's review makes sense.

MACHETE (US) by Robert Rodriguez

 Is that a knife in your pocket...?

Boys, you're gonna love this! It's a mad crazy revenge comic caper with loads of bloody knives. It has a 1970s feel to it which was awesome. It was proper gory in places but was funny and camp in others.

A host of A-listers in the cast, all looking pretty hot. Even Lindsay Lohan (in a Nun outfit I kid you not) in her extremely tiny role. It was fun all the way though. Thank God I had a massive line before I went in otherwise I would've fallen asleep (not coz it were boring, coz it weren't).

It's crazy. You Gusset fans will love it. It feels a bit like a Quentin Tarantino film - not that that's a bad thing.

Highs
Shitloads of violence, big knives and sex.

Lows
The guy next to me kept farting.

Barbarella x

Venice Film Festival 2010

So yeah I’m at the Venice Film Festival innit. It stinks like bad drains but is proper posh and all that. Most people wear suits so I feel like a right chav. I’ve only packed hot pants, a mini, false eyelashes, chicken fillets and a pair of knickers, and there’s no Primark nearby to rectify my error. Oh well I’ll just have to make do with all the snooty looks.


Here’s my review of the first film and I’m proper knackered and hungover:

BLACK SWAN (US) Darren Aronofsky
Wow it's proper dark but I loved it. It had that bird in it from Leon who looked pretty buff and can dance ballet and everything. It’s a thriller and I was thrilled and a bit disturbed. It had a really eerie quality to it and my eyes were practically glued to the screen. I think though, the camera or lighting people or whoever, forgot to put on the lights when they was filming because it was too dark and for a while I kept thinking I left my sunglasses on.

I’m not a massive fan of shoplifter Winona Ryder but she was brilliant in it (not as good as Natalie mind). There's a cracking dance routine in it which lasted for ages, and the music was amazing, I think it was by that Chikovski bloke from the 1940s.
Highs
It’s like Flashdance – but for boys!

Lows
It was a bit do dark in places but then again this is by the dude who did Requiem for a Dream.

a sleepy Barbarella x