Venice Wet Film Festival

Jesus Chris it bucketed it down yesterday and I can't believe I forgot to bring a brolly. It's Italy FFS, not Manchester. I'm glad I'm only here for two days.

Last night I shagged a few celebrities at some VIP party and boy I should really have my own gossip column. I didn't sleep a wink so I hope today's review makes sense.

MACHETE (US) by Robert Rodriguez

 Is that a knife in your pocket...?

Boys, you're gonna love this! It's a mad crazy revenge comic caper with loads of bloody knives. It has a 1970s feel to it which was awesome. It was proper gory in places but was funny and camp in others.

A host of A-listers in the cast, all looking pretty hot. Even Lindsay Lohan (in a Nun outfit I kid you not) in her extremely tiny role. It was fun all the way though. Thank God I had a massive line before I went in otherwise I would've fallen asleep (not coz it were boring, coz it weren't).

It's crazy. You Gusset fans will love it. It feels a bit like a Quentin Tarantino film - not that that's a bad thing.

Highs
Shitloads of violence, big knives and sex.

Lows
The guy next to me kept farting.

Barbarella x

Venice Film Festival 2010

So yeah I’m at the Venice Film Festival innit. It stinks like bad drains but is proper posh and all that. Most people wear suits so I feel like a right chav. I’ve only packed hot pants, a mini, false eyelashes, chicken fillets and a pair of knickers, and there’s no Primark nearby to rectify my error. Oh well I’ll just have to make do with all the snooty looks.


Here’s my review of the first film and I’m proper knackered and hungover:

BLACK SWAN (US) Darren Aronofsky
Wow it's proper dark but I loved it. It had that bird in it from Leon who looked pretty buff and can dance ballet and everything. It’s a thriller and I was thrilled and a bit disturbed. It had a really eerie quality to it and my eyes were practically glued to the screen. I think though, the camera or lighting people or whoever, forgot to put on the lights when they was filming because it was too dark and for a while I kept thinking I left my sunglasses on.

I’m not a massive fan of shoplifter Winona Ryder but she was brilliant in it (not as good as Natalie mind). There's a cracking dance routine in it which lasted for ages, and the music was amazing, I think it was by that Chikovski bloke from the 1940s.
Highs
It’s like Flashdance – but for boys!

Lows
It was a bit do dark in places but then again this is by the dude who did Requiem for a Dream.

a sleepy Barbarella x

CHERRY TREE LANE (UK) by Paul Andrew Williams

an annoying middle-class cunt getting attacked by hoodies

It’s mean't to be about a normal middle class couple, but they are actually a right couple of cunts. Thankfully though they get attacked in their home by some cunty teenagers as an act of revenge because their son is also a cunt. The teenagers were mostly black so I it's also well racist, just like my Uncle Derek who calls black people nig-nogs. I've given up telling him off, some people just can't be changed.

Anyway, I didn't really like Cheery Tree Lane to be honest, right. It weren’t exactly cinematic and might as well have been a radio or a cunting stage play.

The woman gets raped, but she’s such a cunt you don’t really care about her.

It made me angry. Afterwards I wanted to kick a pigeon, but I didn't.

Highs
Found 50p on the floor on the way in

Lows
Fucking pile of shit

Barbarella x

TRASH HUMPERS (US) by Harmony Korine

This was like being raped in the eyes by a chainsaw.

It's the weirdest film I've ever seen, but not in like a clever way. I didn't really understand it to be honest. There's these 3 people right, two men and a 'woman' all wearing these masks that makes them look somewhere between that dude from Bo' Selecta and Frank Butcher. They pretend to be old people and go around doing naughty ASBO-type things like humping trees and bins. They do more bad crimes later on, like murder.

It was all filmed on an old camcorder or something, so it was all fuzzy.

Highs
When they tied dolls to their bikes and took them for a drag.

Lows
I will never get those 78 minutes back and I missed Die Hard 3 on ITV2.

Barbarella would rather have an internal haemorrage than watch this.
Barb x

Skeletons Review (UK) 2010

This is a well funny film and it made me laugh. Basically it’s about these two guys, right, and they go around people’s houses and flush out the skeletons in their closets forever so that they can get on with life without worrying that those bony Victoria Beckhams are gonna creep up on them.

It's like proper imaginative and original right, and loads better than all that crap that working title, the arse crack of the British film industry, usually churn out.

I wish I could hire these guys to flush my skeletons away, but it would probably take a week because of Uncle Jarvis and his sticky hands.

Highs

It touched my winkles with a feathery pancake and warmed my chilly biscuits.

Lows

There weren't any fit men in it. But I saw some cute bloke in the audience so we had a quick bunk up in the spastic toilet. That made up for it.

Edfest Highlights

So yeah, like my Edinburger Top 5 are:

1. Boy
2. Winter's Bone
3. Skeletons
4. Donkeys
5. Barry Munday

So there.

Well, I better get my beauty sleep as I'm off to a tupperware party with Carol Vordeman tomorrow and I wanna make sure I look better than her.

Slaggy Maths Cunt

Barbarella x

Edfest - Day 5

My champagne binge followed by crabsticks and Pot Noodle has given me a right cunting belly-ache.

MY SON MY SON WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? (US) Werner Herzog

Fucking hell!

What the fuck was going on in this worm's nest of a film. It's produced by that David Lynch guy so was as weird as a radiator at a picnic.

It had Chloe Svegningyfhcgygflg or whatever her fucking name is but I like her loads.

I is thinking I am well thick coz I didn't get it what was going on so I threw popcorn every now and again at a bald man a few rows in front of me. Hehe he never knew it was me and he kept looking round. I've got an innocent face, and tits to die for.

Highs
Who?

Lows
What?


I saw loads of short films for the rest of the day and I can't be arsed to review them. Some of them were wanky beyond belief.

Barbarella x