Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (Finland)

This has got to be the weirdest film I have ever seen in my life.

It's about Santa Claus, but he isn't the Coca Cola inspired Santa that we're all used to, he's a devilish beast with horns that boils children alive. These blokes kidnap him, right,
 and hold him for ransom.

The main characters are a man and his son. The son is an amazing little actor with a face like Bjork's belly-button. There's lots of snow and quite a bit of blood. I wasn't sure if it was aimed at children or adults as it seemed to have running themes for both, yet there was loads of full-frontal male nudity! Gross! These men are in their 70s!

It was pretty slow and boring and it all kicks off in the last 20 mins of the film.

Highs
It's only 70 minutes long

Lows
I offered my Pic n Mix around and some bastard took the last giant cola bottle - gutted!

Barb x

WINTER’S BONE

This is gripping and rough as fuck.

It's about this girl who lives in a skanky trailer with her cunty spastic lazy alcoholic mother who won’t do any housework. The girl looks after her two young siblings as well. It all gets all hardcore because the Dad, right, is missing and if he don’t turn up to the police station then they is gonna take the family's land and trailer and the kids will have to go on the game and the mother will have to go into care. Sounds depressing? It is, but it's really good as well.

Highs
There’s a really sick bit in it – it’s so fucked up it's totally wicked!

Lows
No funny lines or romantic moments.

Venice Wet Film Festival

Jesus Chris it bucketed it down yesterday and I can't believe I forgot to bring a brolly. It's Italy FFS, not Manchester. I'm glad I'm only here for two days.

Last night I shagged a few celebrities at some VIP party and boy I should really have my own gossip column. I didn't sleep a wink so I hope today's review makes sense.

MACHETE (US) by Robert Rodriguez

 Is that a knife in your pocket...?

Boys, you're gonna love this! It's a mad crazy revenge comic caper with loads of bloody knives. It has a 1970s feel to it which was awesome. It was proper gory in places but was funny and camp in others.

A host of A-listers in the cast, all looking pretty hot. Even Lindsay Lohan (in a Nun outfit I kid you not) in her extremely tiny role. It was fun all the way though. Thank God I had a massive line before I went in otherwise I would've fallen asleep (not coz it were boring, coz it weren't).

It's crazy. You Gusset fans will love it. It feels a bit like a Quentin Tarantino film - not that that's a bad thing.

Highs
Shitloads of violence, big knives and sex.

Lows
The guy next to me kept farting.

Barbarella x

Venice Film Festival 2010

So yeah I’m at the Venice Film Festival innit. It stinks like bad drains but is proper posh and all that. Most people wear suits so I feel like a right chav. I’ve only packed hot pants, a mini, false eyelashes, chicken fillets and a pair of knickers, and there’s no Primark nearby to rectify my error. Oh well I’ll just have to make do with all the snooty looks.


Here’s my review of the first film and I’m proper knackered and hungover:

BLACK SWAN (US) Darren Aronofsky
Wow it's proper dark but I loved it. It had that bird in it from Leon who looked pretty buff and can dance ballet and everything. It’s a thriller and I was thrilled and a bit disturbed. It had a really eerie quality to it and my eyes were practically glued to the screen. I think though, the camera or lighting people or whoever, forgot to put on the lights when they was filming because it was too dark and for a while I kept thinking I left my sunglasses on.

I’m not a massive fan of shoplifter Winona Ryder but she was brilliant in it (not as good as Natalie mind). There's a cracking dance routine in it which lasted for ages, and the music was amazing, I think it was by that Chikovski bloke from the 1940s.
Highs
It’s like Flashdance – but for boys!

Lows
It was a bit do dark in places but then again this is by the dude who did Requiem for a Dream.

a sleepy Barbarella x