Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (Finland)

This has got to be the weirdest film I have ever seen in my life.

It's about Santa Claus, but he isn't the Coca Cola inspired Santa that we're all used to, he's a devilish beast with horns that boils children alive. These blokes kidnap him, right,
 and hold him for ransom.

The main characters are a man and his son. The son is an amazing little actor with a face like Bjork's belly-button. There's lots of snow and quite a bit of blood. I wasn't sure if it was aimed at children or adults as it seemed to have running themes for both, yet there was loads of full-frontal male nudity! Gross! These men are in their 70s!

It was pretty slow and boring and it all kicks off in the last 20 mins of the film.

Highs
It's only 70 minutes long

Lows
I offered my Pic n Mix around and some bastard took the last giant cola bottle - gutted!

Barb x

WINTER’S BONE

This is gripping and rough as fuck.

It's about this girl who lives in a skanky trailer with her cunty spastic lazy alcoholic mother who won’t do any housework. The girl looks after her two young siblings as well. It all gets all hardcore because the Dad, right, is missing and if he don’t turn up to the police station then they is gonna take the family's land and trailer and the kids will have to go on the game and the mother will have to go into care. Sounds depressing? It is, but it's really good as well.

Highs
There’s a really sick bit in it – it’s so fucked up it's totally wicked!

Lows
No funny lines or romantic moments.

Venice Wet Film Festival

Jesus Chris it bucketed it down yesterday and I can't believe I forgot to bring a brolly. It's Italy FFS, not Manchester. I'm glad I'm only here for two days.

Last night I shagged a few celebrities at some VIP party and boy I should really have my own gossip column. I didn't sleep a wink so I hope today's review makes sense.

MACHETE (US) by Robert Rodriguez

 Is that a knife in your pocket...?

Boys, you're gonna love this! It's a mad crazy revenge comic caper with loads of bloody knives. It has a 1970s feel to it which was awesome. It was proper gory in places but was funny and camp in others.

A host of A-listers in the cast, all looking pretty hot. Even Lindsay Lohan (in a Nun outfit I kid you not) in her extremely tiny role. It was fun all the way though. Thank God I had a massive line before I went in otherwise I would've fallen asleep (not coz it were boring, coz it weren't).

It's crazy. You Gusset fans will love it. It feels a bit like a Quentin Tarantino film - not that that's a bad thing.

Highs
Shitloads of violence, big knives and sex.

Lows
The guy next to me kept farting.

Barbarella x

Venice Film Festival 2010

So yeah I’m at the Venice Film Festival innit. It stinks like bad drains but is proper posh and all that. Most people wear suits so I feel like a right chav. I’ve only packed hot pants, a mini, false eyelashes, chicken fillets and a pair of knickers, and there’s no Primark nearby to rectify my error. Oh well I’ll just have to make do with all the snooty looks.


Here’s my review of the first film and I’m proper knackered and hungover:

BLACK SWAN (US) Darren Aronofsky
Wow it's proper dark but I loved it. It had that bird in it from Leon who looked pretty buff and can dance ballet and everything. It’s a thriller and I was thrilled and a bit disturbed. It had a really eerie quality to it and my eyes were practically glued to the screen. I think though, the camera or lighting people or whoever, forgot to put on the lights when they was filming because it was too dark and for a while I kept thinking I left my sunglasses on.

I’m not a massive fan of shoplifter Winona Ryder but she was brilliant in it (not as good as Natalie mind). There's a cracking dance routine in it which lasted for ages, and the music was amazing, I think it was by that Chikovski bloke from the 1940s.
Highs
It’s like Flashdance – but for boys!

Lows
It was a bit do dark in places but then again this is by the dude who did Requiem for a Dream.

a sleepy Barbarella x

CHERRY TREE LANE (UK) by Paul Andrew Williams

an annoying middle-class cunt getting attacked by hoodies

It’s mean't to be about a normal middle class couple, but they are actually a right couple of cunts. Thankfully though they get attacked in their home by some cunty teenagers as an act of revenge because their son is also a cunt. The teenagers were mostly black so I it's also well racist, just like my Uncle Derek who calls black people nig-nogs. I've given up telling him off, some people just can't be changed.

Anyway, I didn't really like Cheery Tree Lane to be honest, right. It weren’t exactly cinematic and might as well have been a radio or a cunting stage play.

The woman gets raped, but she’s such a cunt you don’t really care about her.

It made me angry. Afterwards I wanted to kick a pigeon, but I didn't.

Highs
Found 50p on the floor on the way in

Lows
Fucking pile of shit

Barbarella x

TRASH HUMPERS (US) by Harmony Korine

This was like being raped in the eyes by a chainsaw.

It's the weirdest film I've ever seen, but not in like a clever way. I didn't really understand it to be honest. There's these 3 people right, two men and a 'woman' all wearing these masks that makes them look somewhere between that dude from Bo' Selecta and Frank Butcher. They pretend to be old people and go around doing naughty ASBO-type things like humping trees and bins. They do more bad crimes later on, like murder.

It was all filmed on an old camcorder or something, so it was all fuzzy.

Highs
When they tied dolls to their bikes and took them for a drag.

Lows
I will never get those 78 minutes back and I missed Die Hard 3 on ITV2.

Barbarella would rather have an internal haemorrage than watch this.
Barb x

Skeletons Review (UK) 2010

This is a well funny film and it made me laugh. Basically it’s about these two guys, right, and they go around people’s houses and flush out the skeletons in their closets forever so that they can get on with life without worrying that those bony Victoria Beckhams are gonna creep up on them.

It's like proper imaginative and original right, and loads better than all that crap that working title, the arse crack of the British film industry, usually churn out.

I wish I could hire these guys to flush my skeletons away, but it would probably take a week because of Uncle Jarvis and his sticky hands.

Highs

It touched my winkles with a feathery pancake and warmed my chilly biscuits.

Lows

There weren't any fit men in it. But I saw some cute bloke in the audience so we had a quick bunk up in the spastic toilet. That made up for it.

Edfest Highlights

So yeah, like my Edinburger Top 5 are:

1. Boy
2. Winter's Bone
3. Skeletons
4. Donkeys
5. Barry Munday

So there.

Well, I better get my beauty sleep as I'm off to a tupperware party with Carol Vordeman tomorrow and I wanna make sure I look better than her.

Slaggy Maths Cunt

Barbarella x

Edfest - Day 5

My champagne binge followed by crabsticks and Pot Noodle has given me a right cunting belly-ache.

MY SON MY SON WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? (US) Werner Herzog

Fucking hell!

What the fuck was going on in this worm's nest of a film. It's produced by that David Lynch guy so was as weird as a radiator at a picnic.

It had Chloe Svegningyfhcgygflg or whatever her fucking name is but I like her loads.

I is thinking I am well thick coz I didn't get it what was going on so I threw popcorn every now and again at a bald man a few rows in front of me. Hehe he never knew it was me and he kept looking round. I've got an innocent face, and tits to die for.

Highs
Who?

Lows
What?


I saw loads of short films for the rest of the day and I can't be arsed to review them. Some of them were wanky beyond belief.

Barbarella x

EdFest - Day 4

Three fucking brilliant films today, which really riles me. I hate having to give nice reviews.

SKELETONS (UK)

This is a well funny film. Basically it’s about these two guys right, and there go around people’s houses and flush out the skeletons in their closets forever so that they can get on with life without worrying that those bony Victoria Beckhams are gonna creep up on them.

I wish I could hire them to flush mine away, but it would probably take a week!

Highs

It touched my winkles with a feathery pancake.

Lows

There was no fit men in it.

WINTER’S BONE (US)

This is about this girl who lives in a skanky trailer with her cunty spastic mum who won’t do any housework. The girl also looks after her two young siblings. Then it all gets all hardcore because her Dad is missing and if he don’t turn up to the police station then they is gonna take their land and trailer and the kids will have to go on the games and the mum will have to go into care.

It’s gripping and rough as fuck.

Highs

There’s a really sick bit in it – it’s so fucked up it's totally wicked!

Lows

No funny lines or romantic moments.

DONKEYS (UK)

This film has Kate Dickie in it and guess what? She gets her lily white baps out again.

This is like well funny. I’m amazed that they could make such a funny film about a Dad dieing of cancer. It covers everything: old age, loneliness, grief, incest, astrophysics and forgiveness.

Highs

I laughed so much I dribbled on the person next to me but he didn’t mind.

Lows

I cried so much I nuzzled the person next to me and he got a stiffy so his wife stropped off. I can’t help being fit!


PARTY TIME: The Runaways Party


So yay I got put on the guest list for the 'Runaways' party. Yet again, I could not be buggered to see the film.

Some fat bird comes up to me, so I says "this is great innit, free champagne and I never even saw the cunty film", she just stared at me funny so I says "so what you up here for are you a reviewer as well?" and she says "no I'm the producer". Oh dear massive whoops!

There were loads of men there so I got chatted up mostly. I had loads of champers then the bar only goes and runs out dunnit. So I showed my boobies to this Welshmen and he got me another champagne. Aren't Welsh people cool! I was proper bladdered by the time I got back to my room so I ate 8 crabsticks and a Pot Noodle.

Barbarella x

Edinburgh Film Fest - day 3 (FILMS & PARTIES)

BOY (NZ) starring Taika Waititi

This is fucking brilliant. My favourite film of the whole fucking festival. It’s from that kiwi bloke who directed ‘Eagle vs Shark’ and he’s got something to do with Flight of the Conchords.

Boy is set in 1984 so there’s loads of bad clothes, shit haircuts and Michael Jackson impressions. It’s about a boy and his Dad. His dad’s a bellend loser.

Highs

It made me laugh so much that some wee came out.

Lows

Fuck off there aren’t any.

MONSTERS (UK/USA) starring two pretty (annoying) yanks

I dunno what I think of this to be honest. It’s a sort of romantic horror film that isn’t scary, or romantic.

The special effects are wicked though. There’s these massive octopus things that go around smashing up Americans. 

I never felt as though the main characters were in danger or were gonna get killed, which is a shame because they really got on my nerves and I wanted to see their insides come out.

Highs

Loads of US marines die.

Lows

Don’t see any tits.

BARRY MUNDAY (USA) starring Chloe Svengy (or whatever her fucking name is)

This is brill. It’s about this bloke right, he’s called Barry Munday, and he sees himself as a bit of a lady’s man, but really he's just a gimp-tard. One day he has accident and his balls get chopped off and he can’t have kids no more. Then some ugly minger turns up saying he shagged her ages ago and got her up the duff.

It did get a bit smultzy with him being a dad n that but it still had some well funny lines it.

Highs

The phallic symbols in the scene with the mutilated penis help group

Lows

I really needed a poo but I didn’t want to leave the cinema.

PARTY TIME

Soul Boy Party

I couldn't be arsed to see the film but I went to the party. I pretended I saw it and said it was 'mediocre at best', when asked. I was well shocked when I went to the bar: NO FREE BOOZE. So I fucked off soon after that. The DJ was good.

Ceilidh Party

Get this right, the word 'ceilidh' is pronounced like 'kaley'. Mental!

The ceilidh was awesome, Sean Connery was there but he'd left by the time I arrived. Patrick Stewart was dancing with some tarts. I did some Scottish dancing but it was crap and looked gay. 

There was free Glenmorangie all night which was fucking well brill! Ben Miller was there. That man really can't dance, I felt sorry for him. He had some young slappa hanging around his neck though so good on him.

On the way home this really nice fella held my kebab whilst I pissed in an alleyway. I love Scotland.

Barbarella x

Edinburgh International Film Festival - Day 2

Hangover finally gone but had to get up well early to make sure I got good tickets.

SNOWMAN'S  LAND (foreign)

For fuck’s sake this is another foreign film but luckily they didn’t speak massively so it was all right. 

This is about 2 rubbish assassins and was quite funny. One of them is quite fit too. It’s set somewhere foreign where there’s lots of snow, hence the name. There's quite a bit of killing and some torture.

Highs

It made me laugh

Lows

Fucking 9am to watch a press screening!

HUGE (UK) directed by Ben Miller

This film is about two comedians that are a bit shit trying to make it huge.

I thought this was gonna be good because I like Ben Miller, but do you know what? It’s shit. It didn’t really seem to go anywhere and the two characters really got on my tits.

I’m no film expect or nuffink, but there weren’t a subplot.

I got a bit bored and started thinking about bums and amputees.

Highs

It starred Michelle Ryan who was one of the Slater sisters in Eastenders.

Lows

It starred Michelle Ryan who was one of the Slater sisters in Eastenders.

CHERRY TREE LANE (UK) starred some unknowns

Fuck me, another shit film! This was worse than 'Huge' though.

It’s about a really cunty middle class couple who get attacked in their home by some cunty teenagers, who were mostly black so I it's also well racist, like my Uncle Derek.

The woman gets raped too but she’s such a cunt you don’t really care about her. 

It weren’t exactly cinematic and might as well have been a radio or cunting stage play.

Highs

Found 50p on the floor on the way in

Lows

Fucking pile of shit

Barbarella x

Edinburgh International Film Festival - Day 1

Massive hangover all day and had really bad shits but still managed to review 4 films

OUTCAST (UK) starring James Nesbitt and Kate Dickie

I was a bit sceptical about seeing James Nesbitt as a baddie because he's usually typecast and plays wankers. He was actually good at being mean but I think it’s coz he’s got a monobrow and looks angry all the time.

I met Nesbitt once, I was stealing a boob-tube from a bag left outside a charity shop and he had a right go at me. Cock Jockey!

Anyway, the film was like quite good n that. Basically yeah, it was an urban horror. I weren’t sure what the monsters were, witchy-werewolves or something. I liked the idea of them trying to live a normal like – would have made a better sitcom. Kate Dickie, who famously got her minge out in Red Road, got her baps out, but we've all seen them. It was hard to take Nesbitt seriously and I did laugh a lot (it’s not a comedy). 

Highs

You get to see Nesbitt’s willy too, but it’s nothing to write home about.

Lows

There was a woman next to me in the cinema with really bad breath and that properly knobbed me off.

MAN NEXT DOOR (foreign) starring some foreign actors

I quite liked this. It’s about a man next door.

But what’s the fucking deal with all the subtitles. I’ve come to watch a film not read a book. I’m a slow reader so didn’t finish reading and some of the words were quite big.

The main character wore glasses and was a right uptight snob like my Uncle Derek who lives in Walton-on-Thames and hates blacks. The other character is a really cool poor guy with a big nose.

I think this film was all about social differences and the person you liked at the beginning you hated at the end and vice versa.

Highs

The kid in it had a wicked bedroom and cool clothes.

Lows

Fucking subtitles.

22 BULLETS (foreign) starring that bloke from Leon

This film was like a good version of Lock Stock…

I well fancy Jean Reno and I got to interview him after. Proper chuffed.

So yeah, basically, at the beginning Reno gets shot by 22 bullets but guess what? He doesn’t die. He’s like some kind of super amazing retired mafia bloke. He goes back and takes revenge and that’s pretty much it. There’s a twist but it was proper predictable like when Bruce Willis is dead in Sixth Sense.

Fucking subtitles again but I couldn’t be arsed to read them so wasn’t 100% sure what was going on half the time. There was a lot of characters too and they all looked the same so I didn’t really know who was who.

Highs

Jean Reno’s sexy voice made my firy biscuits melt.

Lows

Some couple next to me kept snogging and it really got my goat.

INTERVIEW WITH JEAN RENO

Me: Hi, do you mind if I call you Leon coz I have a bit of a fantasy about it?

Reno: Go for it.

Me: So the film is in foreign, did they not think to make it in English?

Reno: No. It is a French film, all the actors and film makers are French.

Me: Oh. Do you like Edinburgh?

Reno: No. But it’s a beautiful city, I love Scottish architecture.

Me: You should make sure you get yourself a fried Mars Bar they’re proper nice. So, in ‘22 Bullets’ you got shot, did it hurt?

Reno: No they’re not real guns and bullets.

Me: Oh.

Reno: the blood isn’t real either.

Me: You're pissing in my mouth! It looked proper real. So, can we talk about ‘Leon’ that was a much better film. Your character fancied a kid, have you ever fancied a kid?

Reno: No.

Me: Not even your own?

Reno: No.

Me: What, are they not good-looking then?

Reno: Yes but (sighs)… I’m going to call my agent.

He left after that but I stole his phone and sold it on the Royal Mile for a fiver.

TWO EYES STARING (fucking foreign again)

What’s with all the foreign films! I’m in England for God’s sake.

This film was like proper creepy like The Orphanage. It was about a family that move in a house haunted by a child who turns out to be the mother’s dead twin, who it turns out, the mother murdered when she was a little girl, but it turns out that the twin was actually alive all the time, and so it turns out the house wasn’t haunted after all it was just the daughter making it all up.

Oh shit I’ve given away the whole plot and all the twists, sorry about that. You probably won’t want to see it now, but do. Actually don’t.

Apparently Hollywood are re-making it, so may as well wait and then you wont have to read all the subtitles and it’ll have better famous people in it, like Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts, and Sarah Jessica Parker could play the horse (if there was one in it), and there will probably be a sex scene and a car chase. Cool.

Highs

The Dad is really fit.

Lows

No sex or car chase scenes, or aliens.

Barbarella x

Edinburgh International Film Festival Day 0 - OPENING PARTY

I’m dying for a fucking drink!

So I walk down the red carpet and can’t believe no-one takes my picture! I gatecrash because some titwitch in the press office didn't get me a ticket. I head straight for the bar and it takes fucking ages to be served but eventually I'm carrying 2 mojitos (for moi) and down them promptly. Then I grab 2 dry white wines. I love a free bar! There are a few minor slebs knocking about but no-one exciting and I’ve heard Sean Connery has already left the building so I’m well pissed off.

After 2 more glasses of wine I watch a magician and a burlesque dancer with small tits and a big arse. Everyone is properly dressed up in tuxedos and ball gowns. I’m wearing Primark skinny jeans and a Peacocks T-shirt but I don’t care coz I’m pissed.

There’s a massive room upstairs with showgirls in fishnets and feather boas. Loads of men gather around them and stare at their tits. So do I, they’ve really nice tits.

Some security guard called Josh slapped me on the arse and I considered complaining about him but I probably asked for it coz I'm so hot, so I left it. I tried to get in the VIP area by chatting up the bouncer but it turned out to be a cloakroom (I was on the wrong floor and very pissed) what a wasted half-an-hour. I stole a bottle of wine and went back to me room, alone. I had a little cry.

Barbarella x