CHERRY TREE LANE (UK) by Paul Andrew Williams

an annoying middle-class cunt getting attacked by hoodies

It’s mean't to be about a normal middle class couple, but they are actually a right couple of cunts. Thankfully though they get attacked in their home by some cunty teenagers as an act of revenge because their son is also a cunt. The teenagers were mostly black so I it's also well racist, just like my Uncle Derek who calls black people nig-nogs. I've given up telling him off, some people just can't be changed.

Anyway, I didn't really like Cheery Tree Lane to be honest, right. It weren’t exactly cinematic and might as well have been a radio or a cunting stage play.

The woman gets raped, but she’s such a cunt you don’t really care about her.

It made me angry. Afterwards I wanted to kick a pigeon, but I didn't.

Highs
Found 50p on the floor on the way in

Lows
Fucking pile of shit

Barbarella x

TRASH HUMPERS (US) by Harmony Korine

This was like being raped in the eyes by a chainsaw.

It's the weirdest film I've ever seen, but not in like a clever way. I didn't really understand it to be honest. There's these 3 people right, two men and a 'woman' all wearing these masks that makes them look somewhere between that dude from Bo' Selecta and Frank Butcher. They pretend to be old people and go around doing naughty ASBO-type things like humping trees and bins. They do more bad crimes later on, like murder.

It was all filmed on an old camcorder or something, so it was all fuzzy.

Highs
When they tied dolls to their bikes and took them for a drag.

Lows
I will never get those 78 minutes back and I missed Die Hard 3 on ITV2.

Barbarella would rather have an internal haemorrage than watch this.
Barb x

Skeletons Review (UK) 2010

This is a well funny film and it made me laugh. Basically it’s about these two guys, right, and they go around people’s houses and flush out the skeletons in their closets forever so that they can get on with life without worrying that those bony Victoria Beckhams are gonna creep up on them.

It's like proper imaginative and original right, and loads better than all that crap that working title, the arse crack of the British film industry, usually churn out.

I wish I could hire these guys to flush my skeletons away, but it would probably take a week because of Uncle Jarvis and his sticky hands.

Highs

It touched my winkles with a feathery pancake and warmed my chilly biscuits.

Lows

There weren't any fit men in it. But I saw some cute bloke in the audience so we had a quick bunk up in the spastic toilet. That made up for it.

Edfest Highlights

So yeah, like my Edinburger Top 5 are:

1. Boy
2. Winter's Bone
3. Skeletons
4. Donkeys
5. Barry Munday

So there.

Well, I better get my beauty sleep as I'm off to a tupperware party with Carol Vordeman tomorrow and I wanna make sure I look better than her.

Slaggy Maths Cunt

Barbarella x

Edfest - Day 5

My champagne binge followed by crabsticks and Pot Noodle has given me a right cunting belly-ache.

MY SON MY SON WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? (US) Werner Herzog

Fucking hell!

What the fuck was going on in this worm's nest of a film. It's produced by that David Lynch guy so was as weird as a radiator at a picnic.

It had Chloe Svegningyfhcgygflg or whatever her fucking name is but I like her loads.

I is thinking I am well thick coz I didn't get it what was going on so I threw popcorn every now and again at a bald man a few rows in front of me. Hehe he never knew it was me and he kept looking round. I've got an innocent face, and tits to die for.

Highs
Who?

Lows
What?


I saw loads of short films for the rest of the day and I can't be arsed to review them. Some of them were wanky beyond belief.

Barbarella x

EdFest - Day 4

Three fucking brilliant films today, which really riles me. I hate having to give nice reviews.

SKELETONS (UK)

This is a well funny film. Basically it’s about these two guys right, and there go around people’s houses and flush out the skeletons in their closets forever so that they can get on with life without worrying that those bony Victoria Beckhams are gonna creep up on them.

I wish I could hire them to flush mine away, but it would probably take a week!

Highs

It touched my winkles with a feathery pancake.

Lows

There was no fit men in it.

WINTER’S BONE (US)

This is about this girl who lives in a skanky trailer with her cunty spastic mum who won’t do any housework. The girl also looks after her two young siblings. Then it all gets all hardcore because her Dad is missing and if he don’t turn up to the police station then they is gonna take their land and trailer and the kids will have to go on the games and the mum will have to go into care.

It’s gripping and rough as fuck.

Highs

There’s a really sick bit in it – it’s so fucked up it's totally wicked!

Lows

No funny lines or romantic moments.

DONKEYS (UK)

This film has Kate Dickie in it and guess what? She gets her lily white baps out again.

This is like well funny. I’m amazed that they could make such a funny film about a Dad dieing of cancer. It covers everything: old age, loneliness, grief, incest, astrophysics and forgiveness.

Highs

I laughed so much I dribbled on the person next to me but he didn’t mind.

Lows

I cried so much I nuzzled the person next to me and he got a stiffy so his wife stropped off. I can’t help being fit!


PARTY TIME: The Runaways Party


So yay I got put on the guest list for the 'Runaways' party. Yet again, I could not be buggered to see the film.

Some fat bird comes up to me, so I says "this is great innit, free champagne and I never even saw the cunty film", she just stared at me funny so I says "so what you up here for are you a reviewer as well?" and she says "no I'm the producer". Oh dear massive whoops!

There were loads of men there so I got chatted up mostly. I had loads of champers then the bar only goes and runs out dunnit. So I showed my boobies to this Welshmen and he got me another champagne. Aren't Welsh people cool! I was proper bladdered by the time I got back to my room so I ate 8 crabsticks and a Pot Noodle.

Barbarella x

Edinburgh Film Fest - day 3 (FILMS & PARTIES)

BOY (NZ) starring Taika Waititi

This is fucking brilliant. My favourite film of the whole fucking festival. It’s from that kiwi bloke who directed ‘Eagle vs Shark’ and he’s got something to do with Flight of the Conchords.

Boy is set in 1984 so there’s loads of bad clothes, shit haircuts and Michael Jackson impressions. It’s about a boy and his Dad. His dad’s a bellend loser.

Highs

It made me laugh so much that some wee came out.

Lows

Fuck off there aren’t any.

MONSTERS (UK/USA) starring two pretty (annoying) yanks

I dunno what I think of this to be honest. It’s a sort of romantic horror film that isn’t scary, or romantic.

The special effects are wicked though. There’s these massive octopus things that go around smashing up Americans. 

I never felt as though the main characters were in danger or were gonna get killed, which is a shame because they really got on my nerves and I wanted to see their insides come out.

Highs

Loads of US marines die.

Lows

Don’t see any tits.

BARRY MUNDAY (USA) starring Chloe Svengy (or whatever her fucking name is)

This is brill. It’s about this bloke right, he’s called Barry Munday, and he sees himself as a bit of a lady’s man, but really he's just a gimp-tard. One day he has accident and his balls get chopped off and he can’t have kids no more. Then some ugly minger turns up saying he shagged her ages ago and got her up the duff.

It did get a bit smultzy with him being a dad n that but it still had some well funny lines it.

Highs

The phallic symbols in the scene with the mutilated penis help group

Lows

I really needed a poo but I didn’t want to leave the cinema.

PARTY TIME

Soul Boy Party

I couldn't be arsed to see the film but I went to the party. I pretended I saw it and said it was 'mediocre at best', when asked. I was well shocked when I went to the bar: NO FREE BOOZE. So I fucked off soon after that. The DJ was good.

Ceilidh Party

Get this right, the word 'ceilidh' is pronounced like 'kaley'. Mental!

The ceilidh was awesome, Sean Connery was there but he'd left by the time I arrived. Patrick Stewart was dancing with some tarts. I did some Scottish dancing but it was crap and looked gay. 

There was free Glenmorangie all night which was fucking well brill! Ben Miller was there. That man really can't dance, I felt sorry for him. He had some young slappa hanging around his neck though so good on him.

On the way home this really nice fella held my kebab whilst I pissed in an alleyway. I love Scotland.

Barbarella x