Edinburgh International Film Festival - Day 1

Massive hangover all day and had really bad shits but still managed to review 4 films

OUTCAST (UK) starring James Nesbitt and Kate Dickie

I was a bit sceptical about seeing James Nesbitt as a baddie because he's usually typecast and plays wankers. He was actually good at being mean but I think it’s coz he’s got a monobrow and looks angry all the time.

I met Nesbitt once, I was stealing a boob-tube from a bag left outside a charity shop and he had a right go at me. Cock Jockey!

Anyway, the film was like quite good n that. Basically yeah, it was an urban horror. I weren’t sure what the monsters were, witchy-werewolves or something. I liked the idea of them trying to live a normal like – would have made a better sitcom. Kate Dickie, who famously got her minge out in Red Road, got her baps out, but we've all seen them. It was hard to take Nesbitt seriously and I did laugh a lot (it’s not a comedy). 

Highs

You get to see Nesbitt’s willy too, but it’s nothing to write home about.

Lows

There was a woman next to me in the cinema with really bad breath and that properly knobbed me off.

MAN NEXT DOOR (foreign) starring some foreign actors

I quite liked this. It’s about a man next door.

But what’s the fucking deal with all the subtitles. I’ve come to watch a film not read a book. I’m a slow reader so didn’t finish reading and some of the words were quite big.

The main character wore glasses and was a right uptight snob like my Uncle Derek who lives in Walton-on-Thames and hates blacks. The other character is a really cool poor guy with a big nose.

I think this film was all about social differences and the person you liked at the beginning you hated at the end and vice versa.

Highs

The kid in it had a wicked bedroom and cool clothes.

Lows

Fucking subtitles.

22 BULLETS (foreign) starring that bloke from Leon

This film was like a good version of Lock Stock…

I well fancy Jean Reno and I got to interview him after. Proper chuffed.

So yeah, basically, at the beginning Reno gets shot by 22 bullets but guess what? He doesn’t die. He’s like some kind of super amazing retired mafia bloke. He goes back and takes revenge and that’s pretty much it. There’s a twist but it was proper predictable like when Bruce Willis is dead in Sixth Sense.

Fucking subtitles again but I couldn’t be arsed to read them so wasn’t 100% sure what was going on half the time. There was a lot of characters too and they all looked the same so I didn’t really know who was who.

Highs

Jean Reno’s sexy voice made my firy biscuits melt.

Lows

Some couple next to me kept snogging and it really got my goat.

INTERVIEW WITH JEAN RENO

Me: Hi, do you mind if I call you Leon coz I have a bit of a fantasy about it?

Reno: Go for it.

Me: So the film is in foreign, did they not think to make it in English?

Reno: No. It is a French film, all the actors and film makers are French.

Me: Oh. Do you like Edinburgh?

Reno: No. But it’s a beautiful city, I love Scottish architecture.

Me: You should make sure you get yourself a fried Mars Bar they’re proper nice. So, in ‘22 Bullets’ you got shot, did it hurt?

Reno: No they’re not real guns and bullets.

Me: Oh.

Reno: the blood isn’t real either.

Me: You're pissing in my mouth! It looked proper real. So, can we talk about ‘Leon’ that was a much better film. Your character fancied a kid, have you ever fancied a kid?

Reno: No.

Me: Not even your own?

Reno: No.

Me: What, are they not good-looking then?

Reno: Yes but (sighs)… I’m going to call my agent.

He left after that but I stole his phone and sold it on the Royal Mile for a fiver.

TWO EYES STARING (fucking foreign again)

What’s with all the foreign films! I’m in England for God’s sake.

This film was like proper creepy like The Orphanage. It was about a family that move in a house haunted by a child who turns out to be the mother’s dead twin, who it turns out, the mother murdered when she was a little girl, but it turns out that the twin was actually alive all the time, and so it turns out the house wasn’t haunted after all it was just the daughter making it all up.

Oh shit I’ve given away the whole plot and all the twists, sorry about that. You probably won’t want to see it now, but do. Actually don’t.

Apparently Hollywood are re-making it, so may as well wait and then you wont have to read all the subtitles and it’ll have better famous people in it, like Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts, and Sarah Jessica Parker could play the horse (if there was one in it), and there will probably be a sex scene and a car chase. Cool.

Highs

The Dad is really fit.

Lows

No sex or car chase scenes, or aliens.

Barbarella x