Edinburgh International Film Festival DAY 1

It’s pissing down with rain, there’s no fruit/veg section in the local Sainsburys and I just saw a tramp having a shit outside Poundstretcher – It can only mean ONE THING – 

the Edinburgh International Film Festival!

I missed this year’s opening party coz I had to have another abortion but I’m ere now, and wont be using Tesco Basic condoms again. 

First things first – GOODY BAGS! And I’m not talking about Jade’s colostomy variety. Mine had a notepad, some bubblegum and a Moulinex blender incrusted with Sworszi crystals personally hand-signed by Ross Kemp. Get in! 

Now the serious stuff...

The Caller (UK)

Excellent psychological thriller/horror with a pretty ginger bird from ‘Twilight’.

So yeah this one is about some girl who moves into a flat and some creepy old hag keeps harassing her on the phone. Only some weird supernatural things start happening innit. The special effects were mega good and it was proper creepy like. Barbarella recommends you go see this one.

Highs: Really creepy bit near the end.

Lows: My feet were wet all the way through from the cunting rain.

Weekender (UK)

Some chavs from Manchester put on a rave and it turns out good so then do it again but things turn out nasty… is basically the major plot in this new British comedy from director Karl Golden. It’s a bit like Kevin and Perry Go Large mixed with 24-Hour Party People so if that’s your packet of Wotsits you’re laughing.

A stunning performance by the lovely Tom Meeten who played the stonehead DJ Captain Acid. It made me want to rave like it was 1990. Manumission!

Highs: Jolly entertaining and fun.

Lows: there were no drugs at the after party!

EdFest - Day 4

Three fucking brilliant films today, which really riles me. I hate having to give nice reviews.

SKELETONS (UK)

This is a well funny film. Basically it’s about these two guys right, and there go around people’s houses and flush out the skeletons in their closets forever so that they can get on with life without worrying that those bony Victoria Beckhams are gonna creep up on them.

I wish I could hire them to flush mine away, but it would probably take a week!

Highs

It touched my winkles with a feathery pancake.

Lows

There was no fit men in it.

WINTER’S BONE (US)

This is about this girl who lives in a skanky trailer with her cunty spastic mum who won’t do any housework. The girl also looks after her two young siblings. Then it all gets all hardcore because her Dad is missing and if he don’t turn up to the police station then they is gonna take their land and trailer and the kids will have to go on the games and the mum will have to go into care.

It’s gripping and rough as fuck.

Highs

There’s a really sick bit in it – it’s so fucked up it's totally wicked!

Lows

No funny lines or romantic moments.

DONKEYS (UK)

This film has Kate Dickie in it and guess what? She gets her lily white baps out again.

This is like well funny. I’m amazed that they could make such a funny film about a Dad dieing of cancer. It covers everything: old age, loneliness, grief, incest, astrophysics and forgiveness.

Highs

I laughed so much I dribbled on the person next to me but he didn’t mind.

Lows

I cried so much I nuzzled the person next to me and he got a stiffy so his wife stropped off. I can’t help being fit!


PARTY TIME: The Runaways Party


So yay I got put on the guest list for the 'Runaways' party. Yet again, I could not be buggered to see the film.

Some fat bird comes up to me, so I says "this is great innit, free champagne and I never even saw the cunty film", she just stared at me funny so I says "so what you up here for are you a reviewer as well?" and she says "no I'm the producer". Oh dear massive whoops!

There were loads of men there so I got chatted up mostly. I had loads of champers then the bar only goes and runs out dunnit. So I showed my boobies to this Welshmen and he got me another champagne. Aren't Welsh people cool! I was proper bladdered by the time I got back to my room so I ate 8 crabsticks and a Pot Noodle.

Barbarella x

Edinburgh International Film Festival Day 0 - OPENING PARTY

I’m dying for a fucking drink!

So I walk down the red carpet and can’t believe no-one takes my picture! I gatecrash because some titwitch in the press office didn't get me a ticket. I head straight for the bar and it takes fucking ages to be served but eventually I'm carrying 2 mojitos (for moi) and down them promptly. Then I grab 2 dry white wines. I love a free bar! There are a few minor slebs knocking about but no-one exciting and I’ve heard Sean Connery has already left the building so I’m well pissed off.

After 2 more glasses of wine I watch a magician and a burlesque dancer with small tits and a big arse. Everyone is properly dressed up in tuxedos and ball gowns. I’m wearing Primark skinny jeans and a Peacocks T-shirt but I don’t care coz I’m pissed.

There’s a massive room upstairs with showgirls in fishnets and feather boas. Loads of men gather around them and stare at their tits. So do I, they’ve really nice tits.

Some security guard called Josh slapped me on the arse and I considered complaining about him but I probably asked for it coz I'm so hot, so I left it. I tried to get in the VIP area by chatting up the bouncer but it turned out to be a cloakroom (I was on the wrong floor and very pissed) what a wasted half-an-hour. I stole a bottle of wine and went back to me room, alone. I had a little cry.

Barbarella x